Still Here

I'm still here, and so is D.  I went back to work last week, after a week off... and that was a challenge.  But the week off was very pleasant.

We went to one of my friend's house for a July 4th barbecue.  We had a good time.  I gave D a ride in a WWII plane for his birthday.  He was on cloud nine, as was I.   And before that, we had a birthday party for him - he invited his friends (3 couples, but 2 couples showed up).  It was a lot of work, but we had a great time.  He was very joyful - the most I have seen in a long time.   I realized after that party how much he misses his own space, how much he misses his home and how much he misses his friends. 

Poverty does strange things to folks.  When I was living in poverty, my patience with my sons was almost non-existent, I yelled over milk left on the counter (because it might spoil and I didn't have money to replace it).  Poverty makes D sad, it makes him mad, it makes him focus on what he wants right now.  It makes him think the world is against him. 

And I try so hard to be supportive... I watch him work hard every day & he is not able to get ahead.  I remember how difficult that was.  Some days my heart aches for him... but other days when he is mad at the world and less than pleasant to be with, I get frustrated & I want to scream "Get over it & be thankful you have a job, a roof over your head and a place to call home (even if only temporarily)".  But I don't... I know when folks said these types of things to me when I was living in poverty just made me feel worse.  Plus I know that eventually things will work out.  But, sometimes it is hard.

Why don't I break up with him... because I think I have grown comfortable with him being here. 

I have become comfortable with waking up besides him.  For 20+ years, I woke up alone.  I slept on "my side" of the bed, even though there was no one on the other side.  Sometimes I would dream about S & my married life & then wake up with such sadness because I missed sharing my life with someone.  Now, I wake up with someone & I like it.

I have become comfortable with cooking dinner and eating with him every evening.  I love to cook but cooking for one is no fun.  To sit with someone who enjoys my creations makes me feel good.

I have become comfortable with having him accompany me to parish picnics, BBQs, and to the park.  There is something about being a couple, versus being single when I go to these events.  People always included me, but I always felt like the 'odd man out'.  With D at my side, I feel a sense of comfort that I hadn't felt before. 

I have become comfortable with walking through Lowe's & Home Depot with him.  I love that he put up the gazebo, fixes things in the house and vacuums the floors almost daily. LOL.  I love that I don't have to do everything by myself.

When I was married, S and I entertained and I loved doing that, so I loved having his friends here.  Using all my platters, planning a menu, decorating the house & showing it off (yes, I admit I liked showing off my home) was fun.  I'm looking forward to having both sets of friends here next month (if I can afford it). 
The night of the party when everyone was gone, and the kitchen was clean we laid in bed exhausted... too tired for a good night kiss.  He said "Thank you for making my friends feel at home" and that was a gift to me.  He appreciated me.  I said "You're welcome" and nothing more.  But it was at that time that all the money issues, his complaining & pity parties left my mind.  It was at this time that I thought "We are a couple".

I do love being a couple.  I think it is why we are still here, even though I am fearful that I am a couple & he isn't...  Who knows, I might be scared over nothing, like the Bard's play - "Much Ado About Nothing"... Who Knows.  What I do know is we are still here.