A Turning Point

Last week's incident of not hearing from D and getting mad, etc. has made me think more about my feelings for D.  All along, due to the HUGE differences between us (you could drive a mack truck through the chasm between us), I've kept in my mind that he is a Mr. Right Now, not a Mr. Right.  But as I reflect on last week, I can't help but wonder if I am keeping my feelings "in check" as appropriate.  I was pretty mad - OK, I was furious.  And while I do hate rudeness, I don't normally react with that much passion when someone is rude.  Usually I just say "idiot" in my mind & get on with life.  

The problem is, I didn't just say "idiot" and move on.  I wrote 2 entries about this, was annoyed when I went to bed, then annoyed when I got up.  Hmmm....

So to make things worse, today I asked him if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  He said that he didn't know what he was doing for Thanksgiving, that he might spend it with his parents, or that he might spend it with his son and his son's mom.  So the parents, I understood, even the son, I understood, but I don't understand the son and son's mom thing.  I was surprised at his answer.  I felt like he was telling me that he would spend it with me if he didn't have anything else better to do - and my feelings were - are - hurt.

So now I'm thinking that if I really did believe he was only a Mr. Right Now that my feelings wouldn't be hurt.  This is not good!  That Mack Truck continues to drive through the chasm of differences between us.  This is not good!

History has taught me that pain comes from having feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for you.  And I don't want to repeat that lesson while I am again making history.

I wonder what portion of the play I am in now?  Is this the turning point between D and me, I think the orchestra is beginning to play a bit louder?   I wonder...

Lady Bug