2009

Another year has past...

I have gained another year of life...

I have more responsibilities at work... 

I have lost weight- 25 pounds!  (Woo Hoo!) since last year at this time...

I have a relationship that is moving in the right direction...

I have wonderful children and the last one is almost finished college...there is a light at the end of the tunnel... 

I have been employed all of 2009 (which is good in an economy of 10% unemployment - including 5,000+ employees of the company I work for, who have lost their job)

I have what I need, I have been blessed this year.

I am thankful & am looking forward to 2010.

Lady Bug

One True Love

I woke up in tears one morning... first time in a long time. Tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. These emotions were fostered by a funeral I attended a few days ago.  But as the day went on & I baked cookies, I thought "Well, maybe, just maybe D is the new love.  He did, after all, sit in a chair and watch me sleep a few weeks ago when I was in pain and couldn't get any relief from the pain pills (& refused to go to Urgent Care). 

When I listened to the homily and the testimonies at the funeral, I thought about the concept of 'one true love' - and I couldn't help but wonder if life only gives you one true love in a life time.  If so, did I already have mine (my ex-husband)?  I hope there is more than one love allotted folks in a lifetime...

Lady Bug

Boring Christmas - Woo Hoo!

Christmas has come and went without incident.  D didn't attend mass with me yesterday, he had to work.  I was, surprisingly disappointed because I was looking forward to sharing mass with him.  He did spend all Christmas day with me.  We ate breakfast together and it was special, it was our first Christmas Breakfast together.  Come to think of it, this is our first Christmas together.  And it has been happily, uneventful!  I have come to love 'the boring life'.

Holiday Disaster # 2??? - Lord Have Mercy, I Hope Not!!!!

Christmas is just a few days away.  Although I've bought lots of stuff, I don't feel very Christmas-y.  I didn't put a tree up (it's the second year in a row).  I laughingly say that I gave up Christmas Trees for lent (LOL), but the reality is that without a house full of kids, I look at the tree as work - something else I have to do, and I just don't want to have to do anything else.  I'm tired from working so many hours...

Despite my desire to not decorate, this Christmas may hold some significance.  D is going to come with my kids and me to Christmas Eve Mass.  He has never been to a Catholic service, so this should be different.  I'm a bit concerned...Thanksgiving comes to mind... even though he apologized, that day showed me that he is not real flexible & my parish is, well let's say, unusual.  Oh well... it was my idea to invite him, so I just need to take a deep breath, I guess, & trust God that this won't be a disaster. 

Quite frankly, I didn't think he would come, so now I am kinda hyperventilating! LOL...

I was trying to be considerate... trying to ensure I didn't infringe on his time Christmas day with his son, so inviting him to Christmas Eve Mass seemed like a good idea.  He could spend a little time with me & the rest of the time with his son.  Then I could spend time with my sons, cook, and have dogs running around and relax. 

Hopefully this won't be Holiday Disaster #2.  I'll just wait and see.

I really hope this scene isn't a climatic disaster - you know how some playwrights think that only conflict makes things interesting!!!!  OMG,  I'm hyperventilating again!

Lady Bug Hyperventilating

My reply to an email reminding me what a 'good' Christian is... HAH!

Yes, I've seen this email before. I know lots of folks who think it's good, but I err on the side of acceptance. Since man (the catholic church, that is) created the holiday as a way to give the pagans of Europe a way to become Christians without having to give up their Winter Solstice celebrations, I am not as protective of the holiday as others, I guess. I really think if Christ walked the earth today, he'd say one or all of the following:

"what are you people doing?

what happen to celebrating Him in thanksgiving?

why do you need to buy gifts - that wasn't even part of the winter solstice celebration!?

why would you name people with whom you disagree in a disparaging way in email- did you forget about 'love one another, as I have loved you'?

why do you condemn people who see me differently?

Why do you not understand the experiences of others that bring them to hate and then back to love? Or why haven't you tried to understand?"

Aren't you glad you sent me this email. :-( Sorry to be a kill joy, but work is beating me upside the head with a metal pipe - so I'm horribly grumpy. That said, when I get this email year after year, I often think we should just do away with all the trappings of Christmas, and celebrate the CHRIST-MASS and be done with it. My faith isn't endangered by someone who doesn't agree with me. I figure if my faith could be lost because my kids couldn't sing a carol, or say 'merry Christmas' - well then it wasn't very strong to begin with!


Below is the email that started my rant. :-)  Perhaps I am not nearly as good of a Christian as my more fundamentalist friends.  Maybe... or it could it be that I have friends who practice Islam, Judisim and other faith traditions that are not Christians.  And I love them.  It could be that I really do believe the adage "Love One Another As I Have Loved You" - and since Christianity, as a religion, wasn't started before Christ died, I tend to think that He really meant what He said.  So when I get emails as the one below from 'real' Christians, I tend to wonder what Christ really would think if he walked the earth today?  I wonder if we 'Christians' (me included!) would even recognize him, or would we hear his words of peace, acceptance, love, and joy and think that this man is a 'whimp'?
  

*Twas the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

*not Happy Holiday !*

Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet MERRY CHRISTMAS

My Character Is Growing

This scene in Act II is starting wonderfully.  At the end of the first Act, I was left on a 'high' that resulted in me not only being happy but in me eating less - hence weight loss!  And I am thankful for that benefit!  What woman doesn't like to see the scale go down?

Things are changing for me at the speed of life... Not too fast, not too slow.  I am living in the moment (for now) and not borrowing trouble (for now!).  My character seems to be growing.

Things are good between D and me.  I am having fun.  He makes me laugh, laugh out loud at stupid things.  He makes me think when he shares his view of the world - which is so different than mine.  He makes me question who I am & thus far I feel happy about the woman I've become.  The impatient person I was of years past, is still impatient, but I've learned to think more and speak less. 

Through this process I've wondered if once I found someone to share my life with if I would still want to do so.  Would I still 'only' want to be a wife and mother?  Would my dream change?  Would I still want to cook for someone, decorate with someone, talk about my kids with someone, would I dare share my dreams with someone?  Would I really be able to share me - the true me - with someone?  Not the accomplished professional woman "without a hair out of place" as my staff likes to say (LOL), not a smart, educated, 'strong' woman, not a woman who can get things done. 

The real me - the one who doesn't wear pants at work because they accentuate my butt - which needs no help getting attention!  The one who wonders if my job is going to be the next eliminated and hence, I worry.  The one who loves to learn but hasn't made time to return to college & worries that if my job does get eliminated that this will keep me from finding a comparable job because employers dismiss people without college degrees.  The woman who has so many papers on the floor of her office that I feel overwhelmed & am tempted to just throw them out, rather than read and organize them.   The woman who cried myself to sleep pining my 'ex' so much that my kids thought I had allergies (since I always woke up with blood shot, puffy eyes!).  The woman who although I've beat the odds of life financially & own a nice house - don't think it is complete because I have no one to share it with.  Luther's song, A House is Not a Home, describes how I felt 22 years ago & still today.

My dream of being a wife & a mother hasn't changed and I've began to find loves again --- things I enjoy doing,  not to accomplish anything, but to do something 'just because'.  I wonder if finding love is far away

My character continues to grow... I wonder about the future, but don't focus so much of my energies on it that I can't enjoy the present.

My character continues to grow... I am open to the idea that "opposites attract".  The chasm of difference between D and me are less important than is his ability to bring out the best in me. 

My character continues to grow... and I'm enjoying the journey.

Post Thanksgiving Surprise

Yesterday D called in the morning and he told me he took the day off & wanted to come spend the day with me.  I told him I was working & he said he'd come & wait for me to finish my day, so I said "OK" and proceeded with my morning.  He arrived a few hours later and made me lunch. 

When I was finished working I asked him "so what's up?" as I was very curious as to why he would take a day off in the middle of the week.  His response was: 

"just wanted to see my girlfriend & tell her in person that I was an ass at Thanksgiving & I'm sorry".

WOW!, I thought.  Introspection has never been a quality that I thought he had.  I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. 

Well we finished the day by going out, and he left at about 10 to drive the 2 hours back to his home, only to get up at 5 to start his day all over again.

The few hours we spent together, laughing, joking, talking about faith were a great few hours.  I went to bed feeling so good about him & woke up thinking about him. 

Yesterday was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant.

I think the first act is closed.  The scenes are done.  And as with any play, this act some scenes I liked, somes I hated, some inbetween, but the ending was absolutely great!  I am eager to see what Act II brings my way. 

Will I be the Mother in this Song?

There is a song by Luther Vandross titled Dance With My Father.  It's one of my favorites because it speaks of not only a child's love for a parent, but also the love between a husband and wife.  A love that survives death. 

I understand that kind of love, it's what keeps my mother in my thoughts every day.  It's the kind of love that keeps my ex in my thoughts.  My love for him survived the death of our marriage.  That love will no longer propel me back to him, but it is a love that cares for him, his welfare, his heart.

As I continue to perform in Act I, I continue to wonder if I will ever feel that deep, abiding love for a man again?  Will Act II have my heart open to that type of love?  Or will I be the mother in this song?