"I Live Alone"

A few weeks ago, I had the flu & bronchitis (luckily it was at it's worst after Christmas!).  This gave me tons of time to sleep or to just lay in bed and flip through the channels (& wonder why I am paying for cable when I only look at the Food Channel, HGTV, ABC, & NBC!).  But I digress....Basically, I had lots and lots of time to think.  About me.  About D.  About us.  About 2010.  About love.  About things that annoy me.

One of the things I thought about was the fact that I have lived alone for most of my adult life and while I have not been happy about that, it was what it was.  I was the boss.  I was the person who made the final decision - and if they kids didn't like it, that was just too bad because I knew what was best.

I had my own room, my own closet, and since moving into this house, my own bathroom!  I kept my house clean or dirty - my choice.  My home, albeit lonely, had become my refuge against a world that wasn't always so nice.  A world that I didn't always see as 'on my side'.  My home was MINE - and given the lifestyle I live - focused on providing for my children's well being, including the best education I could afford to give them, I really didn't have a lot that was mine that I didn't share.  And even the house I share gladly with my children, with people who I invite over.  I am happy to share because in the back of my mind, I always know that "this is my house & if someone doesn't like it they can leave it".

But now, I no longer "live alone".  Not only is my grown son still at home, D is here.  When making decisions, I have to take them into consideration.  I realized through all my time in the bed that everyone needs their space - D needs his space, A needs his space & I need my space.  We all need our space to be happy - because living on top of one another is not good for anyone (been there, done that!).

So I'm trying to be more conscious about my decisions.  I am trying to bring D & A into the decision making process.  I am trying to ensure both know their opinions are valued. 

The reality is I don't "live alone" any longer.  This is new for me.  Perhaps this is good for me.

Marriage & Money

I used to hear people saying "I don't need to be married.  Marriage is just a piece of paper.", etc... And I always thought they were just saying that because they weren't in a place where they really wanted to spend the rest of their life with someone - or that the someone they were with was making "no-marriage" a condition of being with that person.  Either way, I looked down my nose at them...

But isn't life funny.  Here I am 2+ years into a relationship with a man that I think I can spend the rest of my life with. 

On his best days, he is kind and loving.  He is generous to a fault.  He looks at the future with all the awe of a child. 

On his worst days he is self centered & so selfish that one would think he was raised as an only child (but he wasn't - in fact he is the oldest of 3 & lived in a "we can't afford ____" or a "only rich white people do _____" house).  (I HATE PREJUIDICE & ALL IT DOES TO EVERYONE IT TOUCHES- BUT THAT'S ANOTHER POST)  And while he looks at the future with 'awe', he never learned the financial skills to make his future come true.

But his best self is are slowly, steadily outweighing his bad self.  And I find myself wondering where we will be in the future, what we will be together in the future.

As emotional of a person as I am, I am also a logical person.  Things need to "make sense" to me.  And as I think about our future, I think about marriage & then I think "I can not marry him - because 'marriage' for us does not make sense." 

I'm not worried about his love - I know he loves me.  I am worried that for the 30+ years he has been an adult he has made many bad choices.  Sometimes those choices were a result of a lack of knowledge, sometimes they were because of the limiting environment he grew up in, sometimes those choices were a result of selfishness (the hardest situation for me to deal with).  So the reality of his bad choices is he has job hopped because when he got mad (or didn't get his way) he simply left one job & got another job.  And while that didn't seem to be a bad thing to do back then, today it makes him look like a bad risk to an employer so it is much more difficult to find a 'good' job now.  He has bad credit - resulting in vehicle payments being much higher than what they need to be.  He has bills that have went to collections - and that means eventually bill collectors will be calling.  The bottom line is that if he and I were married, I would become responsible for some of his bills - and even if I wasn't responsible, my credit would be effected. 

So because of finances, marriage is not for me.

Now all this said, I do want to say that he is moving forward with his financial & job responsibility.  He has never asked me for a dollar and he knows that "my money is my money".  He knows I am putting my last child through school.  He knows what is important to me.  I think if we were in our 20's or even early 30's I would feel like there is time for him to turn himself around financially - but he is 50, I am 49 & the time has run out.  By the time he would be able to climb out of the hole he dug himself in we would be retirement age.

I've built a home for my sons and me.  And when I die, I want them to take the house, sell it & split the money 3 ways & live a happy life.  They know that.  But if I marry, the house will go to D & I don't want that.  Now that said, I could always tell the kids to sell the house & split the money with D.  My boys would do that (I think).  The only way I would feel differently is if D miraculously was able to take out a loan to buy 1/2 of the house from me.  Then I would leave 1/2 to him & have the kids split the rest of it.

But for now - marriage is out - because of this house.  Because I am not willing to loose what I have built for my kids and myself all because I love someone who made bad choices before I met him (regardless of the reason for the bad choices).

Does that make me terrible???????  Or just overly logical??????

PLUS---why am I worried about this?  He hasn't asked me to marry him! 

Lord Have Mercy, I'm borrowing trouble!

A Late & Wonderful Christmas Gift

Today I spent lots of time talking with A (my youngest).  I shared the plans I have for the house & he shared the plans he has for his life.  I love listening to him... he is so full of life and hopefulness.

During our conversations every now & again D would pop in and comment on something.  Well one was on The Green Hornet movie & saying that he wants to tape the series tomorrow.  A told him that he would look for the series on-line.  D was appreciative...

So here's the thing - the part that makes me think God is showing me that there is hope for D & my kids... A just looked for the series on-line.  He found it & purchased it - WITHOUT me asking!  Without me prodding.  He did it because he didn't get D anything for Christmas & decided that this would be a good (albeit late) Christmas gift!  And he didn't come in & ask me if I thought buying it would be a good idea.  He simply bought it on-line and told me it would be here by Wednesday!  I am so happy!  This shows me that A is learning to like D - which means D is being good to A (just as he promised!).

Wow, just wow!

Christmas 2010

What a difference a year makes...

I can't even begin to write about everything that has happened in 2010.  Some good, some not so good, some lousy & some downright bad.  So let me focus on the last few important days...  Christmas Eve, Christmas Day & the Day After Christmas...



My Church's Altar

 Christmas Eve...
I sang Oh Holy Night at this mass.  It is the first time I sang a solo on Christmas eve.  Other than not being able to find my first note, I think it sounded okay.  There were not a lot of people at mass - or I guess I should say that there were not as many people as usual.  But there were two people there that are so very important to me - D and my "baby boy" J.  I watched them sit together and talk before mass started.  During the sign of peace, they both came up to me.  At the end of mass, we had our picture taken together in front of the alter.  It was wonderful, simply wonderful to have them there with me.  I am lucky to have a parish that feels so much like family - but even so, it doesn't take the place of having family with me, praying with me, singing with me, celebrating God's love with me - nope, nothing takes the place of that.  It was the best gift I have been given in a long while. 










It's titled "Faith, Hope & Love", hmmm... is there a message in there?

Christmas Day... Slept in late - until 11 - Woo Hoo!!!  (first time in 30 years I was not up at 7 a.m. or so!)  D gave me wonderful pearl earrings & this beautiful picture.  I love both the pearls and the picture, but the picture will forever hold a special place in my heart.  



You see, D&I were in the mall a few weeks before Christmas & I saw the picture & told him I loved it & that I was going to save & get it after the holidays.  During that conversation he didn't appear to be listening to me & I chalked it up to the fact that "art really isn't his thing".  I remember being annoyed and thinking - for all the time I have patiently and attentively listened to him talk about the things he likes, he has some nerve not listening to me talk about something I like.  So on Christmas when I opened the wrapped package & found the picture I was really taken aback.  This picture is beautiful yes, but it reminds me that even though I don't think D is always listening, apparently I'm wrong about that.  Now, I'm not saying we're the perfect couple because of the picture, but when I get annoyed that I think he isn't listening, I just go in the dining room & look at the picture & I take a step back & think "well, MAYBE I'm wrong".  Having to eat crow every now and again  -even if I am the only one at the table - pushes me off my high horse - & perhaps that is a good thing.



The Day After Christmas... I cooked & the Js came to visit.  We had dinner in my dining room at my wonderfully set table...  I was so thrilled to have found my table cloth (yes, I'm learning to be happy about the small things in life.)  Dinner was nice - lots of good conversation & laughter. D & the Js got along well - & this warms my heart.  I could have just sat there and listened to them talk and laugh.  I've waited a long time for that.  And when A was able to get away from work, D was still happy, sweet and friendly.  Rather than being stressed about us all being together, I took a long sigh of relief & I enjoyed myself.  And my kids enjoyed themselves & D enjoyed himself.  It was a day that I found myself thinking "God is so good" & "I'm glad I didn't throw him out, I'm glad I believed in him, in us and in HIM."  

I love a beautiful table



Mercy is being shown to me.  If the 3 days around Christmas are any indication of 2011, it is going to be a wonderful year, and yes, God is indeed good!