Free...

I was just looking at a previous post from this morning & noticed the date.  June 19th  This would be my wedding anniversary.  I am not sad.  I am not thinking about the past.  I am not thinking about S & all that could have been.

I am thinking about making it to mass on time.  I am thinking about buying peaches because D likes them & I saw a sign advertising peaches this morning.  I am thinking about what cabinets to purchase to put all my platters in that are too big for regular kitchen cabinets.  I am thinking about the dog who won't stop having accidents in the house, so I have to remember to put her in the garage when I leave.  I am thinking about the fact that my boys have grown into such wonderful young me.  I am thinking about my brother & sister in law & wondering when D & I can go and visit them.  I am thinking about the prints on my wall that are hues of blue which would look great downstairs (I think).  I am thinking about how D & I watched Runaway Jury last night & ate popcorn & fruit for dinner.  I am thinking about how D is working the weekends so he can save for a truck down payment.  I am thinking about the hard wood floors I want to get in the family room.

I am thinking about so many things, but I am not thinking about S.  I am not thinking about what might have been or what should have been.

Free at last, free at last.  I am over him.  I'm free at last.

Love has found me...

Love has found me again.  I didn't think this type of love would ever find me again.  The kind of love that withstands pressure, that gets angry and then forgives, that worries about someone not borne of motherhood, that cheers silently or aloud.  The love that laughs just because.  The love that desires. 

I thought this love was gone for good from my life.  I thought I would find a different kind of love or maybe just a strong 'like'.  But the love that has found me is different than the love I experienced before. 

This love has come about through time, through companionship, through friendship. 

The love that has found me has come through tests...
  Tests of our wills.
  Tests of our value systems.
  Tests of our patience.
  Tests of my faith.

The love that has found me has come through friends and family helping me to understand and accept the differences between men & women - the key here for me was the understanding part.  I still get annoyed at D's quirks, but I no longer take them personally.

The love that has found me has allowed me to depend upon someone other than myself - and THAT FEELS SOOOOOOOO GOOD!   To do everything alone is exhausting.  To be responsible for everything by myself is exhausting.  To not be able to share my fears with anyone who cares about me made my fears magnify unreasonably.  The love that has found me is giving me rest and peace, and clarity.  And for those things I am so very grateful.

This love that has found me is good.  So very good.

Well, I am 50 and all I can say is Life is good!  My brother & sister in law came to visit & since I haven't seen them in 4 years, it was a great treat.  It would also be the first time anyone in the family, other than the boys, met D.  I was a little nervous... I wanted everything to be perfect & of course, I wanted D to be perfect.  No ignorant comments, no temper tantrums.  No "the world revolved around me" attitude!  It was quite a tall order, I must admit.

I was lucky and happy to have their help with the party.  I hadn't had a birthday party in 40 years - not since my mom died.  So, I threw myself a party.  And what a party it was!  I rented a tent, with tables and chairs.  I had a jazz band come and play.  I had tons of food.  The basement was all painted and actually, the blue looks very nice! (whew!).  And best of all, I had my brother & sister in law here. 

There were people milling around, listening to the music, and my sister in law and I were busy serving food & getting things in order.  My brother was mingling & entertaining folks with his nutty stories.  D was cooking on the grill (he LOVES that grill!)  Every time I had a free minute or two to look around, I saw people having a good time.  I saw laughter on peoples' lips and in their eyes.  It was wonderful.  I love to entertain!  The day was wonderful!

But even more wonderful than the day was how D handled the entire weekend.  He was friendly and sweet to everyone.  He sat & listened to my brother's crazy stories.  He complimented me on how I looked (which is a big step for him - plus, I've since seen the pictures, I didn't look very good at all! LOL... I've got to loose weight, but I digress!)  When everyone was leaving, he gave EVERYONE a hug - without reservation (I guess the germ-a-phobia took a hiatus).  He was the sweet guy that I met on line a few years ago.  And my brother & sister in law liked him!

Now, one might think that at 50 I probably should only care about what I think of the man in my life.  But the little girl in me who always looked up to my big brother really wanted him to like D.  It was so important to me.  I was thrilled when I saw the two of them interacting, both at ease, talking about God knows what.  I felt like I had his blessing, his approval.  And the little girl and grown woman in me craves his approval.  I am soooooooo grateful these days.  Grateful for D, grateful for my kids, grateful for my sister in law (who loves my brother so much!) and grateful for my brother, who loves me, cares for me, prays for me and approves of me & D.

50 is starting out to be a pretty good year!

It was Memorial day weekend & I was sick with a summer cold - felt more like the summer flu, but anyway, I was sick.  Since it had been raining so much, Iplanned on planting some more flowers - but I was stuck in the bed - looking at the green and red tree tops.  Boring.....

But D was a busy beaver... painting the basement.  He chose blue and at first I didn't think it was a good color,  but now that it is on the wall, it isn't bad.  Probably not what I would have picked for the basement, but oh well.  He painted - and all I had to do was buy the paint (he even bought the primer) - so that's good.   I don't like to paint!

It's funny... when I looked back at that weekend, I think "yeah, this is kind of nice".... Probably not real interesting, but nice, just the same.