God, D & Mr. EHarmony of the Moment

In my first post, I said that I had joined eHarmony & hadn't receive many matches.  I must admit, that is a bit depressing, considering how much eHarmony costs and their commercials about matching people of core dimensions, etc.  I was beginning to think that my knack for always being different was going to get in the way of finding my SS (that is, if D isn't already my SS that I just can't seem to see!)

Anyway, I finally received a communication from eHarmony from a man that I do seem to share some things in common.  He doesn't seem to be a nut (I've met those - but that was in a previous play, before I started blogging).  Thus far, we are in the questioning and exchanging 'must haves/can't stands" phase... Yes, eHarmony is nothing if not full of questions - which might not be bad, I'm just not sure all those questions do any good either!

Anyway, I am exchanging information and something is bothering me...

Now just to give you a glimpse of the former play in which I had the starring role, when I first started this on line dating process, I filled my profile with words from my heart that reflected my very involved role in my parish; my love of God and my thankfulness for Him in my life.  And the men who responded to that profile were, well let's say, they were on "God overload".  And while I wanted to attract a man who was full of faith and spirituality, I didn't want to attract one who thought he had found the one and only path to God.  But that's what I got!  When these men spoke of their faith, they couched it in terms of "I'm so glad I'm not like _____, you know all those people who are going to hell."  Once some of them discovered I was Catholic, they assumed I was on the 'wrong' path and saw it as their mission to show me the 'light'.  Since I've wasn't looking for anyone to convert me to their way of thinking, I politely declined & if the issue came up again, I explained that while they were unhappy with me being Catholic, that I was "just fine with it, thank you very much" and then stopped taking their calls.  The bottom line was I didn't want them to change from something they found very fulfilling and I didn't want them attempting to change me.  After all, I consider myself a "practicing Catholic" because although I fall woefully short of anything associated with the meaning behind the concept of Catholic, I am determined to practice until I get it right (I'm assuming getting it right coinsides with death!).  Plus one of my mottos is "Don't waste energy trying to change people.  They rarely change on the inside, so be grateful for who they are, warts and all.  Perhpas, they will overlook some of my warts and we'll both be a little more interesting for having survived our own, and explored others' warts!".

So back to the present performance...the man who I am seeing has God in his life, but does not want to participate in organized religion - translation "I won't ever stop you from going to church, but I just don't want to go".  And while I don't want to even attempt to change him, I must admit that this is one of the things that makes him a Mr. Right Now, rather than a Mr. Right.   That said, I do like him - a lot. 

Now, on to Mr. EHarmony of the Moment... he has God all through his profile.  He loves God, God is first in his life, he is serving God, he spends most of his spare time in 'church activities', etc.  These seem to be warning signs for me.  Am I nuts or what?  Since when is it a warning sign that a man loves God?  In addition to that warning sign (if it is a warning sign), there is the issue of D, the man I'm seeing and have grown to care for... If I do anything more than exchange an email with Mr. EHarmony of the Moment, I can't continue to see D - at least I can't continue to see him the way I am seeing him now... Hmmmm.......????????

On one hand, I really enjoy spending time with D, he makes me laugh -sometimes until I cry, we have some interests that are similar and I like to debate the issues of the day with him - yet I don't view D as my "Mr. Right" - so logic would dictate that I should be 'dating' him, rather than being in a relationship with him. 

On the other hand, I'm so done with men who have the "Keys to the Kingdom" (BTW - the 2nd Vatican Council admitted that even the Pope doesn't have the Keys to the Kingdom, so I'm unwilling to believe anyone else on earth could have the Keys either!)  And Mr. EHarmony of the Moment certainly appears to portray that he has the Keys - so do I really want to give up D for him?  I don't think so...  I like the fact that neither D nor I have the Keys & we neither of us want the responsibility of being Heaven's Locksmith.

But of course, that leaves me with another dilemma... Should I be in a relationship with D at all since I don't think he is Mr. Right?  OMG - I have a headache!  And since I am not going out tonight with anyone, I think I will simply go for a walk & work on my curves.  Perhaps God will give me a hint.

By the way - for those of you reading this, feel free to give me a hint or your thoughts through the comments section.  Otherwise, really, it looks like I am just talking to myself.

Lady Bug

Looking ... Around Me, At Me, Inside Me...

Someone once said that in order to be a "we" you have to first be a "me".  So I'm looking at "me"... and yes, while I know I should probably be on a date tonight, rather than concerning myself with who "me" is, I have to leave for the office at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, so I'm not leaving my house now.

Anyway, I'm taking a look at myself.  Not only what I see in the mirror, but what I see around me, what I see inside of me.

When I look around me, I'm pleased with what I see around me --- essentials, not too much unnecessary stuff. 

When I look in the mirror, I see the face of my mom, the body of my dad & wonder about God's sense of humor.  I love my parents, but most definitely I'd prefer my mother's body over my dad's.  People were always amazed that my mom had 6 children and still 'looked like that at almost 60!'  My dad... well let's just say I used to describe my dad as "the Black Santa" & while my curves aren't yet that out of control, if I don't focus on them daily, I'd look like Mrs. Clause - albeit with a sexy smile!

When I look inside me, I see the 10 year old sitting on the couch hearing my brother, SM, say "Momma died this morning".  The wave a loss, pain and fear still overtake me at times.  And while I hide that 10 year old pretty well, she is still there, right below the surface.  When a child looses the predominant parent at such an early stage in life, it shapes that child's future in ways not imaginable to most - not imaginable to the child, until the child grows up & explores her life's decisions. All that said, I'm happy I still have my 10 year old self inside of me, within easy reach.  It is the 10 year old girl in me who learned 

...how to love deeply, "Just because others don't love you, doesn't mean you shouldn't love    them.  God tells us to 'love one another'.  He doesn't say you have to like everyone, but you have to love everyone."

     ...how to to care for others and be charitable, "Yes, he took that food without paying, but did you hear him tell the manger that he was just trying to feed his family?  We have to help him feed his family", she said, as she took out a few dollars to pay for the few staples the stranger was trying to steal from the A&P.

...how to not borrow trouble, "You don't know what God has in store for tomorrow, so don't worry about tomorrow".  I must admit this one is a constant struggle.

...to love family, no matter what, "Lord have mercy, bless that fool!  What can you do but just love him" when my brother did something else that shouted to the world that common sense wasn't his strong point.

...that I wasn't stupid, "Just because you read slower than the others doesn't make you stupid.  You remember a lot more than other kids.  You're a smart girl"

So all in all, I see a good person, a woman who knows her past, who knows what is important and who is looking forward to her future.  Hmmm.... I think that 'me' isn't bad, actually, 'me' is pretty good.

So 'me' is going to get more rest, work on controlling my curves and finding balance in my life so that my work week is less than 55 hours.  First because these things are good for me, but then (or maybe really) because doing these little things may help towards my goal of 'me' becomming a 'we'.

Improving My Chances

I'm a 48 year old woman, divorced, Black, successful.  Statistically the chances of me finding someone to share my life with are quite slim.  Actually, they are close to miniscule! 

So, what do I do to better my chances?  After all, I've decided this is what I want (someone to share my life with); and I am even blogging about it--- so I can't turn back now!

Bettering my chances probably starts with feeling good about myself - my outside self - I kind of like my inside self.   First, I am going to take the advice of lots of people...I'm going to begin exercising.  Supposedly it is good for the body and the mind.  Well I shall soon see...

I'm in love...

I'm in love...not with anyone; but with a condition.  The condition is called marriage - or perhaps the condition is called living with someone.  It is quite simply sharing ones life with someone special.  In the very beginning, the feelings of happiness are the same, regardless of it's name. 

The beginning is the time you and your significant other (who is still, in your mind, your better half), start to spend weekends or a few vacation days together.  Such a situation happened to me recently.

D, the guy I have been seeing for quite some time, had a few days off and we spent those days together.  I did have to work the first day... but when I was finished with my day, he had dinner ready - and to my surprise, his cooking skills have improved significantly over the past 18 months!

The following days were spent walking together in the quiet of the park, going to the movies, out to dinner, playing games and talking & laughing endlessly into the night.  It was a wonderfully good time.

In a few days, it was time for him to leave.  We said our good byes, planned our next weekend together and I watched him drive away.  Back to my vuw.

Later that evening, I thought about the time we shared over those last fun days.  I already missed it - the fun of sharing my life with someone.  Rather than happily looking at my bed and thinking " Ah...I don't have to share it tonight"; I looked at my bed and thought sadly "Hmmm...I don't have to share it tonight".

So being me, the over analyzing woman that I am, I spent many hours analyzing my feelings for D... the man I usually say is lots of fun, but not Mr. Right.  I wondered if that was changing. 

Was I in love? 

Yes, I was in love, but this feeling was not new.  I wasn't in love with D.  I was - and am - in love with sharing my life with someone.  I'm in love with going to bed with and waking up besides someone every morning.  I'm in love with cooking for someone who likes to eat and apreciates food enough not to wolf it down (remember the 3 sons from my first post?).  I'm in love with someone watching me put on makeup & saying 'you don't need that'.  I'm in love with holding hands.  I'm in love with someone who pays attention to me.

Yes, I'm in love.  In love with sharing my life with someone.  I know that someone is out there, somewhere.  Hopefully he is close.  And if he is D, hopefully my eyes will be open soon.

And the House Lights Go Down, the Music Begins...

I recently went to see the movie "Julie &Julia", or "Julia & Julie" (doesn't matter) about a woman who started a blog, yada, yada yada... happiness! I came away from the movie thinking "wouldn't it be great to be able to follow my dreams?" And I even thought about some of the things I used to think I'd do in life. But soon, those thoughts faded and I came back to my "very usual world" (vuw).

And my vuw isn't all that bad actually. I have a job I like - most days. I have 3 sons and a daughter in law of whom I'm immensely proud. I have a nice home, some 'stuff', not a lot of stuff, but I have some... And although I'd love a $20,000 a year raise (who wouldn't), I make enough money to live OK.

Well, anyway, some time went by and I heard about another person who blogs to tell her story. She's living in a trailer and blogging about homelessness. Now while her story may not have the happiest of endings, (I don't know what the yada, yada, yada is for her), it is kind of intriguing to me that her blog is being picked up by the national media.

So after these experiences (or maybe hints from Him), I thought to myself "hmm... everyone always tells me how interesting my life is & tells me I should write a book, so maybe I'll start blogging". Now, I'll admit that my younger self is quite interesting - but that was Act 1. This blog will be about Act 2, about 'today'.

For Act 2, a few stats on me:

1. I'm 48 - although I swear to everyone who asks that I'm holding at 40 - even my 29 year old son!
2. I'm a Gemini -I can see both sides of any argument.
3. I'm [sadly] a Plus Size woman - My curves have taken over! I'm working hard to get my curves under control (14 pounds lost & counting).
4. I have 'chin length' hair that I now love - why exactly did my hair wait this long to start cooperating!?
5. I'm an African American professional woman - I work for a Fortune 50 company & think I am making a good contribution to society, as well as their bottom line.
6. I am a New Yorker through & through - but I live in the Mid West.
7. I have 2 dogs - one who will live forever because she is so healthy and one who is doing his best to make me regret the fact that I never bought that 'silly' vet insurance!
8. I am divorced - have been for almost 20 years.
9. I raised my children alone for the past 20 years - all my energies went into providing them with a home, education & an (overly?) attentive parent, since I was doing this solo.
10. Until recently, I've lived without any adult companionship in my life.
11. I joined Match.com about 2 years ago - and haven't found the perfect match yet.
12. I joined eHarmony & since they haven't matched me with many people, I kind of wonder if I'm just too 'different'.
13. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.
14. I do not want to be a burden to my children - ever!
15. I am an orphan - mom died when I was 10, dad when I was over 30. My parents are gone, so that makes me an orphan, right?
16. I am alone.
17. I am lonely.
18. I am determined to find my Special Someone (SS) to make memories with...

So, with that introduction, I will close now. I'll write at least once a week, if not more often, about who I am meeting, what we are doing & how close I am to finding my SS.
Quite simply, I'll write about all the scenes that will take place as I perform in Act 2 of my life. I hope you will stay until the final curtain call.
Lady Bug