Just Dating

I mentioned that for a long time (about 18 years) I lived without much adult companionship - read, I had no man/boyfriend in my life. While I dated sparingly, it was just that - sparingly. And although I didn't plan it that way, it was actually the best thing for me. That way I focused on my kids and my career. The kids of course, were of utmost importance to me. That said, to give them the material things I wanted them to have like a good education, a safe home, clothes, food, more clothes, more food - (did I mention I have 3 sons?), and Catholic school tuition as well as college tuition, I had to make a "good" living - not just subsist. So, I focused on my career... with the main goal being to make enough money to keep my head above water. And all things considered, I've been successful in my career, and if I do say so myself, my boys have turned into wonderful men!

Now today, I have someone in my life. I met him on Match.com almost 2 years ago. He's funny, friendly and sweet. We discuss the issues of the day with passion... ok, maybe a little arguing some time, but all things being equal, there is more passion than arguing.

He and I are from different worlds, but we have had similar experiences. When we met, he had been divorced for just a few months & while he told me that he was over his ex, I could tell from his words and actions that he wasn't over her yet. He probably didn't know it, but I could see it, could hear it. Now 2 years later, I do think he is over her. He rarely speaks of her - actaully, I can't remember the last time she came up in conversation - probably 10 or 11 months ago. And while this sounds strange, I think the fact that he used to speak about her allowed me to get to know a side of him that I might not have otherwise known. It also allowed us to become friends before we became anything else. I got to see his pain, hear him acknowledge his mistakes (after listing all of hers, of course) and hear him talk about what he learned. Literally, the first few months of us talking on the phone & emailing were about life lessons. And he wasn't the only one sharing those life lessons. We both shared - and laughed - about the mistakes we had made in our past - vowing to never make those same mistakes again (yeah, right - LOL).

When we started dating, there were voices in my head saying "this man comes from a different world than you!" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, opposites attract, plus, I'm just dating". Then the voices in my head said "this man makes a lot less money than you & you know men are insecure when it comes to money" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, I'm not materialistic". Then the voices in my head said "this man's life is 2 hours away from here, it's not like you will see him often" and I answered that by thinking "that's okay, we're just dating". And loudest of all the voices said "he has a 12 year old son and you don't want to mother any more children" and I answered that by thinkinging "that's okay, he is a Mr. Right Now, not a Mr. Right & we're just dating!"

So now, it's 2 years later & I'm wondering if I should have listened to those voices in my head??? I'm trying to live in the moment - but I'm slipping into the "what's next"/ "what if" stage...

Lady Bug

A Want That Hasn't Changed - - - Is it Destiny?

Once my mother died, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  I didn't want to be a teacher, a project manager, a manager of any sort, a director, a vice president.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother.  I wanted a house with a large yard for the kids we were going to have.  I actually wanted to have somewhere between 4 and 6 kids.

It's now 38 years later and I still want to be a wife and mother.  The only difference is that I no longer want to have more than the 3 sons I have... they are just fine for me.  I still want to be a wife.

You would think that after all this time my dreams would meld to fit the time I am in, the life I am in.  But those dreams of the 10 year old girl are still strong, still prominent in my mind (when I dare allow myself to dream).

I don't know that I believe in 'Destiny' but if there is such a thing, and my dreams are any indication of my destiny, one day I will be married again...It's a nice thought.  I'm going to hold on to it - for now.

Lady Bug

Thanksgiving - wasn't quite what I was planning...

Well, we all spent Thanksgiving together, my sons and their significant others and D.  I cooked and cooked for 2 days.  I wanted everything to be perfect.

This would be the first time J&J would meet D so I was a little nervous.   They arrived & brought their dog - who is a bit rambunctious. 

After a while I noticed that D wasn't being his normal jovial self.  Actually, he was noticeably angry... the tone of his voice wasn't the norm.  So I emailed to ask what was wrong & here is the answer I got:  "Did you notice how several people were touching the dogs and didn't wash there hands but was helping you setting up dishes on the table. That was grounds enough for me to leave. I Stood right there and watched them pet the dogs and no one washed there hands, just before you asked your daughter in law to try something she stuck her hands in your pan and picked the food. At that rate I'll say no thank you! Have you noticed I won't eat anything else."

I hadn't noticed & really didn't know how to respond.  I have a few thoughts - such as "what were they thinking" and "why did they have to bring the dog to Thanksgiving since they know the dog is really still a puppy" and "why didn't he say something"  For heaven's sake, he would not have had to scream or yell--- he could have just said "hey guys, wash your hands before touching the food, or setting the table" or whatever the 'norm' would be to handle such a situation.

Well anyway, after dinner he seemed to calm down - the tone in his voice went back to the 'regular' tone so we laughed & talked with the kids.  We played Wii and talked and he asked me to come work on flying the simulator for his helicopter - which was fun & an unexpected surprise since he usually doesn't ask me to work on the simulator - it's something he does alone.  He wouldn't play the Wii though (we played right after dinner so I think he was still mad).

After dinner was over, we did have a good time, but I was really bummed because I worked so hard on the dinner & wanted everyone to rave & they didn't.  Between the dogs and his mood, there was tension in the room.  :-(

Then to make matters worse, I ate too much of the mac & cheese & a sliver of cheesecake & so my stomach started to ache!    

This was definitely not the Thanksgiving I was dreaming of...BUT, I did make the best of it.  And I think D did as well.  All things considered, I would probably do it differently, if I had to do it again.  My fear, of course, is that the Js got a bad first impression of D - which isn't good because my kids as so important to me.  But maybe I'm borrowing trouble, because D left first and neither J or his wife said anything bad; however they didn't comment at all - which might not be good either.  Yes, I am over thinking this, & consequently borrowing trouble.  Seems I haven't learned the lessons of my mom or my aunt just yet. 

Oh well - on that note, I am going to take M some cheesecake.  It actually turned out quite well... not quite NY style - but VERY close!

Lady Bug

I'm No Mrs. Robinson

So today I received a Wink from a 30 year old on Match.com.  That was great for my ego, but that's about it.  Given my son is almost 30, the thought of dating someone who has more in common with my son than with me is a little creepy.  I'm not that open minded, I guess - LOL!  Even if I was still on my D-Diet, I just can't fathom it.  There are lots of scenes in this play, but a re-play of "Mrs. Robinson" won't be one of them.

I'm living in the moment so I took the Wink as a compliment & smiled. 

Lady Bug

What I've Learned

By now, you know I joined EHarmony a while ago.  They are supposed to match people on "29 dimensions of compatibility".  So I went through the process of answering a gazillion questions, paid $179.00 for the year (what WAS I thinking?), and waited for that compatible person to send me an email.  For those who are thinking "What happened to D?;  he's still here... I'm just making a point.  

So that was a few months ago.  Thus far I've received some introduction emails from eHarmony, but not many emails from actual men who are interested in pursuing the "29 dimensions of compatibility" with me.  Most of the emails I have received thus far have been received during their 'free communication weekends'.

So what have I learned????  Well, a few things:
#1 If I ever want to use an on-line dating service, wait until the 'free weekends' because obviously this is the one area where no one really gets what they pay for!
#2 Perhaps I need to re-examine my desire to find someone with whom I have lots in common - after all D & I couldn't be more different - and that came in quite handy when his sense of humor was able to make me laugh when I wanted to scream.
#3 I really should stop trying to control my future (at least as far as my romantic future is concerned - I'm still going to try and control my career future!).
#4 I need to remember that God doesn't need my fumbling help (as a very smart woman once told me!)
#5 I should be thankful for what I have every day - wonderful children, good friends, a nice home, the material things I need, a job that pays the bills and a man who cares about me & who I care about - ALL courtesy of God.

My point - God is in charge, He doesn't charge $179.00, and He seems to be handling my life just fine.

It is Thanksgiving season & I am truly thankful for the lessons I've learned & what I will continue to learn. 

Happy Thanksgiving,

Lady Bug

Interesting Day

This past weekend was, well let's say 'interesting'... yup, I think that's a good word.  "Interesting" sounds so much better than "I'm living in a Laurel & Hardy movie".  Who would believe that???  And no one would believe the truth. 

No one would believe that my GROWN UP child emptied the dryer & threw the clothes onto the kitchen table, which had a lit candle on it, therefore the clothes caught on fire!  And when D noticed that my kitchen was on fire & tried to run to put it out, he tripped over the chair that I had placed on the diagonal to keep the sick dog (the one who never gets sick) out of the family room.  Then D got up & started stomping the fire with his hand - which doesn't work by the way.  After burning his hand, I got up, went to the sink to get water & poured it on the clothes - which D had threw to the floor to ensure my light didn't catch fire - but now the flaming clothes were burning my solid wood kitchen floor (the floor that I love, no, that I LOVE!!!).  Needless to say, the fire finally went out.  The clean clothes were not a little singed, nope they were burnt to a crisp.  Anger flooded me as I told my very broke child that he was going to pay for this, to which he replied "how, I don't have any money!?".  "I will pay for the damage and you will pay me back!", I said through clenched teeth.

My GROWN UP child was in charge of cleaning up the mess while D and I went to the store to buy clothes to replace the ones which were burned... You are probably wondering why he and I were going to the store right away (on a Sunday afternoon, there were really better things to do!).  Well, it turns out that because he had worked very late the day before he hadn't gotten to the laundromat & when he told me I said "oh, just bring your clothes here and wash them here"... (what was I thinking!?)  So, as luck would have it, the clothes my GROWN UP child threw on the kitchen table were D's and not only were they his clothes - they were his work clothes.  You know, the heavy, expensive clothes people wear who work outside... thermal T-shirts for 13 bucks a piece!  Cold weather socks fro $12 a pair!  Work pants for 21.99 - on sale and a "thermal hoodie" for 15.99 - on sale.  Not to mention underwear and undershirts (and while these aren't specifically for work, it's hard to not offer to buy this stuff too since burnt underwear and burnt undershirts are hardly wearable for work or any other occasion!).

The entire time we were shopping, I was mad - this was money I didn't have & and an expense I didn't need on my Visa.  So D, being D started telling me stories to make me laugh... One of the stories - about him wearing something pink & explaining to his buddies why he was wearing something pink, resulted up in him saying "well they would not believe me when I told them I was wearing it because my girlfriend brought it for me, so I'd have to have someone call you so  you could ell them you bought it for me".  I forgot the joke when I heard the term 'my girlfriend'.  This isn't a label or term he used to describe me before.  So I went from being mad at my son to confused at this situation!  After all, just a few weeks ago, I was on a D-Diet, then I decided to live in the moment (and the moment didn't have me labeled as his girlfriend - the 'moment' had NO label!). 

Now,  just like that, I was his girlfriend.  Confusion replaced the anger with those 2 little words.  I couldn't help wonder what it meant - but I didn't want to have that conversation in a department store! 

I was no longer mad.  God had saved my son from the lecture of his lifetime & pulled my blood pressure back into the normal zone - all by allowing me to hear D say these two words.  I was confused as hell, but I wasn't mad.  God has a weird way of focusing my thoughts.

Yup, it was an 'interesting' day.

The Diet Is Over (I think)

It was a busy week.  As the end drew near I took a little me time, watched TV, listened to NPR, read and went to hear jazz & spoken word poetry with M.  I checked my email & got lots of introductions from eHarmony, but no emails from the men.  Amazingly, it didn't bother me.

D and I spent time together - and had fun.  After a few days of confusion, I re-oriented myself to again thinking of him as "Mr. Right Now" - all pressure gone.  We laughed, watched football, went walking, flew his helicopter (which surprisingly is a lot of fun) and he cooked for me (and since his cooking skills have improved, that was a lot of fun for me). 

Without having expectations for the future I am much better able to enjoy the moment.  There is wisdom in living in the moment (or at least trying!).  When I was a kid & worried, my mom used to say "don't borrow trouble" and my aunt used to say "no one is promised tomorrow - live today".  Both wise women were trying to teach me to live in the moment, to enjoy today.  My mom tried for the first 10 years of my life and my aunt tried for the next 25.  It's only taken me 48 to try to practice what they preached!

I wonder what part of the play I am in... Act 1, Act 2, Intermission?  What I do know is that I'm singing.  And smiling.

I've been on the D-Diet for some time.  The time away has been good... I can think more clearly now.  So I'm okay with being on the D-Diet now and eventually being on a D-Fast. 

These past days have given me time to look realistically about who I am,who D is and the differences between the two of us.  We are most definitely opposites, and while years ago, I found that very attractive (after all the only love of my life could be described as very different than me), today I see that differnce as temporary fun. 

I love the differences between the genders, between cultures.  I love the exciting thought provoking conversation that occurs when divergent points of view are set side by side.  But exciting can give way to exhausting.  And at this point in my life I am looking for more peacefulness, for rest.

There is no argument that my life has been difficult over the past 20+ years.  When I look back at it, I sometimes wonder how I survived.  To survive I pushed myself to limits I didn't know existed.  I pushed my wants and needs to the back burner, I focused on what 'absolutely had to be done' and that rarely, if ever, included what I desired.

So now, my life needs to be easy - or as easy as it can be.  And while having fun with my opposite is, well, fun, it won't make for a long relationship.  I want lasting fun...

Lady Bug

Is there really such thing as chemistry????

I've noticed that when I read postings on dating sites that people often speak about chemistry - well, I guess I should say men talk about chemistry, since I haven't looked at any women ads... I digress...

Anyway, I am wondering what "chemistry" means.  I wonder if it really is referring to a sexual attraction, just couched in a way that won't send most women running.  Or is it more than that? 

I asked a friend about it.  She talked about it being the feeling that you just want to be with someone, you want to talk with him all the time, and she talked about feeling it almost instantly - or at least by the time the first date is over.  I must say, that I have never experienced this instantaneous draw to a man.  I've always looked at dating as a process whereby I can get to know a man and if something is there, my thought is that it will reveal itself over time. 

I expect the relationship to unfold like a trip to the theatre.

• You wait in line for what seems to be forever just for the doors to open ---Like waiting to receive a match from eHarmony or Match.
• Once you get in the theatre, you wait to be escorted to your seat --- Like when you are deciding if you should respond to the eHarmony introduction sent, or the Wink you received from Match.com
• 
  
  Then your seats are found, you relax --- Like having IM or email conversations with that new person, no pressure; after all you can choose your words so carefully in email.
  
• 
  
  Finally, the lights dim --- You meet in person, the first date.
  
• 
  
  The orchestra begins to play - Like when things are going well, the two of you are talking and laughing & you find the person 'nice' - nothing more, because you are still in the dark & the play has not started. 
  
• 
  
  And the play begins, and you watch, you listen, perhaps you tap your feet to the music & some parts you like, and other parts, not so much --- Like when you are dating and getting to know one another.
  
• 
  
  And then the play comes to an end.  There were good parts and bad parts.  The hope is that there were many more good parts then bad parts.  --- Like when your relationship is over - perhaps in a week, a month, a year, a lifetime or anything in between.
  
  

Currently I am watching my own performance.  Some parts I like, other parts - well, not so much.  But I'm giving it my all - trying to get accustomed to my 'single woman who is dating in her 40s" character.

Actress Lady Bug

Where Do Single 45+ Women Meet Good Single Men?

I've written before about the fact that I should get out to meet someone, and I read this advice all the time - but can someone tell me where exactly I should go?

I can certainly walk in the park or around my neighborhood - but both these places are hardly places to go to meet men. First of all, I've never noticed anyone in the park who wasn't hard core exercising, and as such, those men were not really looking to talk to anyone. Second, I live in a small city, "a good safe place to raise a family..."; consequently, the men here are married. This just isn't where single men choose to live.

I've heard "go to church"... I wonder about this type of advice because when I attend church & look around, the men who are there are always there with their family.

I've heard "do charitable work" - which I used to do & while it wore me down physically and mentally, I never met any single people while doing this work.

Since I do not like people who are drunk, and I rarely think that 'tipsy' is cute, going to a bar by myself isn't a good idea. After all, what would I have in common with people who 'love to drink'. Now that said, since I love basketball, I could go to a sports-bar to watch a basket ball game, that would be fun - but who would I go with? I really don't have single friends AND the I kind of associate bars - (sports or otherwise) - with 20-somethings and 30-somethings. And while I don't consider myself 'old', I have three 20-somethings (one of whom is almost 30) so I find it hard to believe I would find someone in a bar that I would want to date. My guess is I would be looking at the bartenders trying to determine if they are properly checking IDs! (I just can't turn off the 'mom' in me - LOL.

So, where is it that I should go to so that I can meet good single men? If you know, please share your knowledge with me! Especially, given the D situation, I really want to move forward!
 Thanks!

Lady Bug

Am I Still Dieting?

It was a busy day at work. Phones ringing, plenty of meetings. Lots of activity. For the entire morning, I was 'heads down' in work and focused. Then at 12:45 as I was finishing up a meeting, my cell phone rang. I looked down & whose name did I see but D's. Was my diet over?

I answered, cautiously. He was at lunch & thought he would call me "just to talk". We talked for what became my lunch hour. And while it was nice to talk to him, I listened intently to his words - with my head, not my heart. He was excited about something at his job & wanted to share. I was happy to listen, and I did - listen. As he was talking about what he would be doing in the near future, I listened to see if any of his plans included me. Not many of them included me.

While we made plans to see one another in a few weeks for an event, he informed me that he was going to be attending football parties every Sunday during football season. And he didn't invite me to attend these parties with him. So in my mind, I'm thinking "hmmm so on Saturday, after work he will come here and we'll do the movies or something & since it's after work, he won't be here in time to do a play or go to a museum, or even go to the park for a walk - which would be okay if we could do some of those things on Sunday - but on Sunday, he'll get up and leave pretty much immediately for the 'football party'... Hmmm, I'm not liking this. When I asked when this started, he said that his friends had asked him to attend. That it was a "good way of meeting people".

I was taken aback - didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

And now, I'm just confused - no, not confused, hurt - but just a bit.

So I've decided that I probably need to share my thoughts with him before I go too much further. I know that this is what I would tell my friends to do... I could just hear me "Why in God's name do you think he can read your mind! You are borrowing trouble. For heavens sake, you can do this! Just tell him how you feel." I give really good advice - taking it, well, I'm not so good at that.

And I know this. I also know that I am not good at taking chances on saying something that might result in a negative reaction. Avoidance - it's one of those skills I learned over the past 21 years - and by now, I have this skill perfected!

So now I write, instead of speak... but I do realize that I have to speak... just not sure what to say!


An Uncharacteristic Lady Bug

Climbing to Content

I have a girlfriend, M, who is a marvelously positive woman.  I jokingly call her a Pollyanna.  I swear if she found out that the world was coming to an end, she would say "won't it be nice that we will ALL be in heaven & finally the world would be happy for everyone"!  Whenever she can find a bright side to what I think is my crazy life, I always smile.  I don't usually believe her, but I so WANT to believe her.  I want to be able to see the best part of the world, of people, of situations.  I want to not be so cynical.  Some days, I want to be M...happy, content.

And surprisingly, as I sit here dealing with my D-Diet, I wouldn't say I am 'happy', but I'm not far from 'content'.  I am thinking about the cute tops I purchased earlier today and the cute dress.  My normal purchases are 'work clothes'.  I can't remember when I purchased a top because it was cute, because it looked good on me - and it wasn't meant for business.  

These purchases are cute 'date' clothes!  "So what's the big deal?", you're thinking... Well the big deal is that even though I'm on the D-Diet, I know that I will date again.  I know that I can look cute (chunky & all!).  That is a big, big, REALLY BIG step for me!

Two things -
#1 - Dating D has made me more accepting of my body - or my uncontrolled curves.  Having his attention has made me remember the saying that women used to say when I was a kid... "Beauty fades, sexy is forever".   And I am remember that I was once considered a very sexy woman - so perhaps, D has brought that woman back to life. 
#2 - I know that even though I'm not wild about the current situation, I know that something good is in my future.  It is amazing for me to even type these words.  To think that one day I will love and be loved again is freeing.  I don't have to continue to "learn to live alone & accept my life just as it is today - alone & lonely" - (which has been very hard for the last 21+ years!).   Today I know there is a future, that my life is not over, that I won't always be alone, or lonely. 

So while I miss D and am not enjoying the angst of feeling like an afterthought, I know that this too will pass.  That whatever is going to happen, will happen.  That somewhere there is someone who will love me & who I will love.  With that in mind, I am closer to content!  So while I'm not nearly a Pollyanna like M, going towards content about this part of my life is a bit step forward.  M would be proud!

A Close to Content Lady Bug

Still dieting...

And it really feels like a diet. 

I'm one week in.  

I'm 'hungry' and annoyed.  And just like when I am dieting from food, I'm not annoyed at the food, I'm annoyed at myself for letting me get so big that I have to diet in the first place.  So now, I'm annoyed that I have gotten emotionally attached to someone who isn't emotionally attached to me...  Crap!

Lady Bug