Steps...

A while ago, M gave me a gift of 12 Jazzercise lessons.  I had every intention of going, but it took a while for me to get there.  Finally, I showed up.  (I'm told that 90% of success is showing up!).

Well, so far, I've attended 6 of the 12 sessions.  The first 5 were relatively close together, then I went to Chicago & missed a week.  It's not been easy... The first day I had a really hard time keeping up and could not get through the session without constantly stopping - pretty much after every song.  But by session 5, I was able to get through most of the session with only a few stops.  Then I went to Chicago & was able to walk the city without being winded - I felt a bit of triumph!  I could feel the 'good pain' in my calves, but chalked that up to, like I said, 'good pain'. 

Enter today - session 6.  I got out of my bed & went & started out with just a little bit of pain, but as the session went on, I couldn't do the jumps because of the pain in my calf - odd, it was only one calf.   And I had a hard time keeping up because of the pain and because there was a new instructor & she had a different routine that I was accustomed to (which I really hate!).  So I didn't get a very good workout, but I will walk tonight AND I will go tomorrow (but will take some Advil first!). 

I must admit that I sleep better when I exercise and I feel better overall.  I look at my fat butt and thighs, my pouchy stomach, where I once had a waist and I think "yuck".  I look at my closet full of size 14 dresses and skirts that I absolutely love and think "I have got to get back into those clothes".  I look at the size 18 dress, XXL tops, and size 18 jeans that I can't get my butt into and think "OK, this is nuts!, I'm going to die of obesity! - which is a really stupid thing to die from!)  But after I go to Jazzercise I look at those size 14s and think - soon & very soon, I will get back into those dresses.  Now, 'soon' is relative, but I know I am on my way.  Life changes one step at a time & Jazzercise is a step in my changing life.

Speaking of changing life... Don and I are still together, but I feel it's coming to an end.  It's been fun, but I think it has run it's course.  The situation with the job (although he is working) & his debt that he is trying to dig out from underneath is taking a constant toll on him.  For a few months I have tried to be supportive and a cheerleader because I know he will land on his feet... but for the last month or so, he is in a constant state of negativity.  He's unable to see any good, ever!  He's focused on him - solely on him.  He's annoyed at simple things.  His tone is argumentative.  He sees everyone as 'stupid', 'ignorant', etc.  He watches shows on TV simply for the purpose of watching "those stupid, brain dead people do ..." (e.g. 1,000 Ways To Die). 

I look at him and think that he is in pain and this is how he shows his pain - but I don't like it.  I'm tired of hearing him complain. 

Then a few weeks ago we talked about where this relationship was going and I told him about some of the things that concerned me - him being here a lot; the fact that when he talks about getting himself together - that he doesn't talk about any plans that include me (which REALLY bothers me).  I told him that while I believe I treat him well & ensure he knows that he is important to me, that for me to be happy in a relationship I need to feel important to the person. 

He responded with annoyance. 

And I must admit that 2 weeks later - I'm still mad about his reaction!  After all, I have allowed him to stay here (which I have never done before for anyone!), I have refused to take any money - telling him that he should spend it on getting his truck fixed and getting his bills caught up.  I have listened to him complain ad nauseum about this, that and the other!  And I'm tired.  Perhaps he will come out of this funk and be the fun loving man he used to be, but I'm tired of waiting.  Does that sound terrible? 

For now, I'm content to let things run their course and see where it goes.  In the interim, I will go to Jazzercise and sing in the choir (which I had stopped doing).  And I'll work & work, and I'll be happy with the fact that when I was in Chicago, I put on some of my 'tight jeans' and they weren't tight in the thighs!  Woo Hoo Jazzercise! 

I know that my 40 year old body is in here somewhere & I'm determined to let her out!

Lady Bug