Mr. Right Now is becoming Mr. Right???????????????

My world has changed over the past 2 years.  Two years ago I was single and alone, today I am still single, but not alone. 

I wanted to find someone to share my life with.  I had a plan.  First, I was going to date, then eventually, I was going to meet Mr. Right, with the right job, with the right age children (grown,over 22 & out of college children), no longer in love with his ex, who owns his own car & home, who has 'reasonable debt' (whatever that means), who has similar education as me, (or more) and who lives close to me (at least in reasonable driving distance).

So, hmmm, two years have gone by & I dated and I did meet someone, D - Mr. Right Now.  When I met him I thought he was a lot of fun - but never thought he was Mr. Right because:
1- he makes considerable less money than me.
2 - his child was 12
3 - the way he spoke about his ex led me to believe he was not over her yet.
4 - he did/does own his own car.
5 - he didn't / doesn't own his own home.
6 - he does not have reasonable debt.
7 - he does not have similar education as me
8 - lived 2.5 hours away

Now - it is 2 years later & I think I'm in love.  My Mr. Right Now has become my Mr. Right.  He still doesn't meet all my criteria for Mr. Right.  I am surprised at myself every day for going down this path.  Part of me - the part who loves exploring the differences in life, in people, in circumstances - thinks this is alright.  I'm not concerned about money, status, homes or cars.  I am enjoying having someone in my life that cares for me, that can make me laugh & who will care for me when I am ill.  The part of me that is cautious about everyone I meet, is concerned about his debt (not terribly unreasonable, but it's debt that I worry about him having the ability to repay), his child, and his job (he has taken a severe pay cut as a result of the economy).  This part of me is scared, really scared of being involved with someone who has so much to gain by misleading me. 

I don't have a gut feeling that he is bad or that this situation is bad, so for now I move forward, cautiously, very cautiously.

Hmmmm....

The Day Is Not Far Off...

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?  The scene where they sing Do You Love Me?  Well, I've been thinking about that song.  And I've wondered, who am I in the scene --- Tevia asking if she loves him or Golde telling him that for 25 years she has taken care of him, bore his children, & after consideration she replies that she supposes she loves him.  They end the song saying "after 25 years, it doesn't matter, but it's nice to know. 

This song makes me think of all the things that D does for me around the house, all the things he does easily but that I hate to do.  I think of the things I do for him - without being asked.   

So over the last few days as I've been trying to figure out if I love D, this song gives me pause.  Perhaps the things we do for one another show love from both of us, for both of us.

One of my resolutions this year was that I was going to 'fall in love'... I think I am almost there.  I think that the person I am suppose to fall in love with is standing in front of me, watching TV with surround sound on my deck (sorry neighbors), is fussing about neatness, is vacuuming the house daily, is trying to find a better job so he can contribute more, really wants to be a pilot but settles for piloting a remote control plane.  He wants me emotionally, physically.  He hugs me a night, while I am sleeping - drawing me to him reminding me that he is right there for me.  This is the man that I am falling in love with... And while I am not there today, I think the day is not far off.

I looked at my face today and saw creases, the beginnings of wrinkles.  Signs of age.  Two years ago they were signs of a hard, sad life.  Signs of faked smiles for the sake of my boys. 

Over the past 6 months, the creases are probably deepening - but I'm okay with that.  Because these creases are the result of smiles.

Hopefully I will continue to deepen my creases with happiness.

So the last time I wrote, I said we were going to talk.  Well, we've talked & talked & talked & talked & talked some more!  Lots was said by both of us, but we didn't listen to one another. 

Finally we talked to one another instead of at one another. 

Finally we listened to one another. 

Me saying "your negativity is causing me stress because I am a person who gets great joy out of seeing others happy & by the way, I've been supporting you - emotionally & somewhat financially and you are just ungrateful"  Him telling me that I don't understand how hard things are for him and then talking about his past & telling me that he appreciates all that I've done.  Him telling me that he is sorry - that he doesn't mean to cause me pain. 

And lots of other conversations which were really conversations & not shouting matches, nor were they contests to determine how many one word answers he could give me before I had to grit my teeth to talk - (so I wasn't screaming while my son was in the house).  They were conversations - an exchange of ideas and feelings. 

Eventually we found something to laugh about, we remembered why we were attracted to one another two years ago.

I remembered the guy who could make me laugh, who was easy going and who genuinely cared for friends and family. Traits I value.

And so we move forward. 

We move towards a more permanent relationship - although I don't know what that is.  Is it marriage?  I don't know...  How odd it is that today I can question whether or not I will ever marry again, whether or not I want to marry again, whether or not I see the benefit to marry again (other than the whole going to hell thing - LOL).  As my friend M reminds me, 3 years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be married.  I longed to have my past life when I was happily married. 

These past 2 years have taught me that I have not necessarily longed for marriage, but I have longed to have connection.  Connection to one special man.  Someone who I can trust to be at my side, to care for me if I am ill.  Someone to make memories with...

I used to think that I had to have a man who made as much or more money than me because men just can't handle women who make more.  And while these past years haven't proven me 100% right, they have proved me somewhat right and somewhat wrong.  Most days I think D would rather he make more money than me; however, much of that feeling stems from the free fall of income he has experienced in the last year.  I do understand.

It is strange how this has all turned out.  I was once told that I needed to give this relationship time so that I could get to the gift God has for me.  And a few days ago when we starting speaking with one another & listening to one another I received that gift - (or at least the beginning of that gift).  Just before we fell asleep D said "I love you".  I smiled.  He said "I've loved you for a long time, but was afraid to tell you before".  I don't recall what I replied.  I do remember that with his tenderness while we were talking & his final words that I experienced a sense of calm, a sense that it was really going to be alright - that I wasn't being taken advantage of, that I was appreciated, that I was loved. 

It has been a long time since I had the feeling of being loved, and it feels good.  Normally my mind would be racing & wondering what tomorrow brings; what next week or month will bring; what next year will bring... But I am trying to learn to take a day at a time - to appreciate the goodness in front of me.  So with that, I can say that I am still enjoying the feeling of being loved & am trying desperately not to worry about the many tomorrows ahead of me.