So the last time I wrote, I said we were going to talk.  Well, we've talked & talked & talked & talked & talked some more!  Lots was said by both of us, but we didn't listen to one another. 

Finally we talked to one another instead of at one another. 

Finally we listened to one another. 

Me saying "your negativity is causing me stress because I am a person who gets great joy out of seeing others happy & by the way, I've been supporting you - emotionally & somewhat financially and you are just ungrateful"  Him telling me that I don't understand how hard things are for him and then talking about his past & telling me that he appreciates all that I've done.  Him telling me that he is sorry - that he doesn't mean to cause me pain. 

And lots of other conversations which were really conversations & not shouting matches, nor were they contests to determine how many one word answers he could give me before I had to grit my teeth to talk - (so I wasn't screaming while my son was in the house).  They were conversations - an exchange of ideas and feelings. 

Eventually we found something to laugh about, we remembered why we were attracted to one another two years ago.

I remembered the guy who could make me laugh, who was easy going and who genuinely cared for friends and family. Traits I value.

And so we move forward. 

We move towards a more permanent relationship - although I don't know what that is.  Is it marriage?  I don't know...  How odd it is that today I can question whether or not I will ever marry again, whether or not I want to marry again, whether or not I see the benefit to marry again (other than the whole going to hell thing - LOL).  As my friend M reminds me, 3 years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be married.  I longed to have my past life when I was happily married. 

These past 2 years have taught me that I have not necessarily longed for marriage, but I have longed to have connection.  Connection to one special man.  Someone who I can trust to be at my side, to care for me if I am ill.  Someone to make memories with...

I used to think that I had to have a man who made as much or more money than me because men just can't handle women who make more.  And while these past years haven't proven me 100% right, they have proved me somewhat right and somewhat wrong.  Most days I think D would rather he make more money than me; however, much of that feeling stems from the free fall of income he has experienced in the last year.  I do understand.

It is strange how this has all turned out.  I was once told that I needed to give this relationship time so that I could get to the gift God has for me.  And a few days ago when we starting speaking with one another & listening to one another I received that gift - (or at least the beginning of that gift).  Just before we fell asleep D said "I love you".  I smiled.  He said "I've loved you for a long time, but was afraid to tell you before".  I don't recall what I replied.  I do remember that with his tenderness while we were talking & his final words that I experienced a sense of calm, a sense that it was really going to be alright - that I wasn't being taken advantage of, that I was appreciated, that I was loved. 

It has been a long time since I had the feeling of being loved, and it feels good.  Normally my mind would be racing & wondering what tomorrow brings; what next week or month will bring; what next year will bring... But I am trying to learn to take a day at a time - to appreciate the goodness in front of me.  So with that, I can say that I am still enjoying the feeling of being loved & am trying desperately not to worry about the many tomorrows ahead of me.