Climbing to Content

I have a girlfriend, M, who is a marvelously positive woman.  I jokingly call her a Pollyanna.  I swear if she found out that the world was coming to an end, she would say "won't it be nice that we will ALL be in heaven & finally the world would be happy for everyone"!  Whenever she can find a bright side to what I think is my crazy life, I always smile.  I don't usually believe her, but I so WANT to believe her.  I want to be able to see the best part of the world, of people, of situations.  I want to not be so cynical.  Some days, I want to be M...happy, content.

And surprisingly, as I sit here dealing with my D-Diet, I wouldn't say I am 'happy', but I'm not far from 'content'.  I am thinking about the cute tops I purchased earlier today and the cute dress.  My normal purchases are 'work clothes'.  I can't remember when I purchased a top because it was cute, because it looked good on me - and it wasn't meant for business.  

These purchases are cute 'date' clothes!  "So what's the big deal?", you're thinking... Well the big deal is that even though I'm on the D-Diet, I know that I will date again.  I know that I can look cute (chunky & all!).  That is a big, big, REALLY BIG step for me!

Two things -
#1 - Dating D has made me more accepting of my body - or my uncontrolled curves.  Having his attention has made me remember the saying that women used to say when I was a kid... "Beauty fades, sexy is forever".   And I am remember that I was once considered a very sexy woman - so perhaps, D has brought that woman back to life. 
#2 - I know that even though I'm not wild about the current situation, I know that something good is in my future.  It is amazing for me to even type these words.  To think that one day I will love and be loved again is freeing.  I don't have to continue to "learn to live alone & accept my life just as it is today - alone & lonely" - (which has been very hard for the last 21+ years!).   Today I know there is a future, that my life is not over, that I won't always be alone, or lonely. 

So while I miss D and am not enjoying the angst of feeling like an afterthought, I know that this too will pass.  That whatever is going to happen, will happen.  That somewhere there is someone who will love me & who I will love.  With that in mind, I am closer to content!  So while I'm not nearly a Pollyanna like M, going towards content about this part of my life is a bit step forward.  M would be proud!

A Close to Content Lady Bug