My son's life is changing... Not sure if it is for the better or worse, but it's changing.  And I am all in "mommy worry" mode.  Not too interested in romance or pursuing love now.  Too busy worrying.

Official Site of We Are The World 25 For Haiti

I have posted this here so everyone can see how these folks are using the gift that God gave them to help many people they have never met.  A selfless act.  A random act of kindness.  I want to do more of that...
Widget « Official Site of We Are The World 25 For Haiti

Grocery Shopping Mindset & Adventure

When my kids were little, I used to spend endless hours in the grocery store.  It was an on-going adventure over the years and as the adventure changed my mindset changed.  I worried about this, that and the other & finally today I go worry free.

I worried that my little boy would be cold so I bundled him up as much as I could (even though it was September in Texas!)  Poor baby... I was such a crazy 'new mom'.

Some days I'd worried that someone would surely snatch one of my sons - since my 2 year old was constantly running off while I was tending to my new infant in the cart!

Some days I thought I'd never get the grocery cart through the store with all that stuff - food, baby food, pampers, formula, toys & Malta!

Some days I went in and bought very little, forgetting what I went in for because I was still in shock that our marriage was falling apart.

Some days I went in and worried that I would add the prices up in my head incorrectly (after all I was now caring for 3 babies by myself) and I'd be embarrassed once again - having to put something back - watching my little ones face frown as the thing to go back was what we needed least and what they wanted most.

Some days I worried that I'd forgotten my coupons & I went back home to get them because I wasn't going to be embarrassed again in a grocery store - EVER!

Then one day I went into the grocery store, no coupons needed (although I still had them with me) & all I could think was "there better be someone to bring these bags in when I get home"!

The next stage "who the heck eats so much!  These babies are eating machines!"

Finally (or so I thought) I came to the stage where I went into the store and bought single servings of this, that and the other.  I looked at a bag of potatoes and thought "that's a good deal, but they will go bad before I can eat all of those".  I looked at apples and tried a different new one each week - Honey-crisp are the best!

Now, during this portion of Act 2 of my life, I am back at the grocery store every week.  Buying fresh produce, good meat, whole wheat bread, olives, lactose free milk and Hershey's syrup - because I am feeding two, cooking for two.  And I pack the cart with food that is good for you (rather than the cheapest I can find).  I pay the bill & don't worry about the cost.  I might be annoyed at the prices, but I don't worry about them any more.  When I get home, I bring one bag in (the smallest I can find) & say "Hi".  As if on cue, he goes out and gets the rest of the bags from the car!  I go to change my clothes & by the time I get back downstairs the groceries are put away. 

Now I'm not sure how long this treat is going to last, (the truck will get fixed, he'll miss the solitude of his place and begin to dread the drive to see A).  But for now, we are playing house & I like his part in my grocery adventure.

Well, I'm off to the grocery store...I've got a list now, so I can remember the Hershey's Dark Chocolate Syrup!

Qualities to Admire

I read an article with these traits.  I admire these traits and would like to cultivate them in myself.  Perhaps I should add these to my New Year Resolution... better late than never!

Selflessness: In a world where many people don’t have the time or the interest in others, selflessness is a quality that seems to be less and less common. People can be selfless in the time they give, the ability to listen, their level of patience and the love that they give. Those who are giving and generous in nature have the power to make others feel loved, appreciated and special. While those who are self-absorbed tend to do the exact opposite.


Tolerance: Those people who are tolerant make us feel comfortable with who we are and special as individuals. All of us are different, and many of us have quirks and idiosyncrasies. After all, these differences make the world go round. Having the ability to accept people for who they are and not expect them to be who we want them to be is important in life, happiness and in the health of our relationships.

Genuineness: Having the ability to be real, authentic and honest is unique in a world where we put so much emphasis on the superficial. Feeling comfortable in one’s skin and being true to one’s self is one of the most beautiful traits one can possess. To have a REAL relationship with someone requires honesty…it requires hearing and giving input or feedback that may not always be popular…it means having the strength to tell it like it is and to not be afraid to face the consequences for doing so…it means loving people for who they really are…deep down…and not for what they appear to be.

Sensitivity: So often we are focused on what is important to ourselves that we can forget about those around us. Those who are sensitive are often thoughtful, appreciative and loving, in a way that makes you feel understood, valued and respected. Often, sensitive people are also self-aware, making them mindful of how they impact others with what they do and say.

Integrity: Call me cynical, but I think this characteristic is especially difficult to find. In a time when people will do things that are underhanded to make an extra buck (Bernie Madoff…can you hear me?), expose their personal lives to the public so they can be famous (balloon boy’s dad and any other reality TV mongers) and do what feels good in the moment without necessarily thinking of the consequences (Tiger Woods), integrity is a characteristic that is especially unique today.

Humility: Whether someone is super-smart, extremely talented or drop-dead gorgeous, there is something extra special about them if they don’t come across as though they know it all the time. Humility in those that possess extraordinary traits make others feel special too.

I passed the test...

Well I think I passed the test.  I stared at the blue light and listened to the words of my brother playing over and over in my head.

And there is another light that is flashing in front of me, it is a blue light (Mother Mary blue for all you Catholics out there). The blue light says "Compassion. Remember when you were unemployed--- wouldn't it have been nice to have someone who was emotionally supportive? What happened to your empathy?"



On top of the lights I hear my brother saying "don't be so worried that you are going to be taken advantage of that you miss the blessing in front of you - (the blessing of being in the position to help someone).

D and I have continued to spend a lot of time together.  He was looking for steady work every day, I re-wrote his resume and he sent lots of copies out.  He worked when he was called - regardless of where he had to drive.  But, he was clearly down and frustrated by the situation.  I could hear it in his voice when we spoke on the phone; I could see it in his eyes when he was here.  

I tried my best to be encouraging & happy to see him.  I tried to focus on the blue light, to live in the moment and not get so crazed with fear that I could not enjoy our time together.  It was not easy.  I tried to remember every day that there is a good possibility that he will find a steady job & things will go back to how they were before.  I tried to remember that a day of uncertainty was just a day and not a year. 

I tried to be helpful without tearing his ego apart (the economy was definitely doing that!); so I cooked lots of food & sent it home with him.  "You have to take this, I don't need it..."  Eventually he would take it & I would think - well at least he doesn't have to spend too much money on food.  Ego intact.

So a few days ago, he received a call for an interview, went to the interview and received the job.  He was all smiles & I could finally stop holding my breath!  The pay is reasonable.  The only negative is that it is 45 minutes from me, but 2  1/2 hours from him.  So for now, he's going to be here long term - not "living" with me, (which scares me to no end), but just until he can save to find an apartment between the job and his son.

I feel like we can move forward, see where this is going.  I am wondering if he is the man I am destined to fall in love with in 2010?  I'm wondering if we both had to go through this little trial (yeah, now I can say 'little' - LOL) to see if we really cared for one another- if we could spend time together in difficult circumstances. 

I feel like I passed the test.

Whew!

Dare To Dream

Let nothing hold you back, from exploring your wildest fantasies, wishes, and aspirations.
Don't be afraid to dream big and to follow your dreams wherever they may lead you.
Open your eyes to their beauty; open your mind to their magic; open your heart to their possibilities.

Dare to dream.

Whether they are in color   [- like in my burgandy powder room]

or in black and white, whether they are big or small, easily attainable or almost impossible, look to your dreams, and make them become reality.

Wishes and hopes are nothing, until you take the first step towards making them something!

Dare to dream, because only by dreaming, will you ever discover who you are, what you want,

and what you can do.

Don't be afraid to take risks, to become involved, to make commitment.

Do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true.
Always believe in miracles
Always believe in you!


~ Julie Anne Ford ~

MLK Jr Day 2010

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”


Martin Luther King Jr. (1929–1968)
American civil rights leader
Nobel Peace Prize winner

We went to the MLK Jr. mass.  WE (D&I).  And while it was a nice service, it was even nicer sharing it with D.  My relationship with D is certainly not as complicated or intense as when Dr. King first spoke these words, but these words are apropos just the same.

The unemployment situation was -  is - hard for me, very hard.  But I am being measured now.  I am measuring myself.  My character, my beliefs, my strength.

Dr. King's words have touched me... they make me think.

Lady Bug

Red Light, Blue Light and My Brother - The Epitome of Catholicism

D & I have spent a lot of time together lately - I mean A LOT!  He spends more time here than he does at his apartment.  A few things have happened, or let's say aligned, so that this is occurring. 

1. He & I realized that we were both capable of actually getting up at 4 consistently with him leaving at 5 so he could make it to work on time.
2. His apartment was broken into (it's not in the best neighborhood, which is why I didn't go there much & now I won't go there).
3. He recently (very recently) got laid off & now he is looking for work in this area, versus where he lives (2 hours away where the economy is much worse than it is here). 
4. He's looking for an apartment between here and his current home (where his son lives). 

So... we are playing house. 

The situation with his lost job is testing me- my morals, my values, my convictions, my compassion, my sympathy, my empathy.  You see, while I like to think of myself as loving and giving and always willing to see the good in others; the reality is that as a single woman who has seen men 'mooch' off of some of my single friends (including some of my family members!), as soon as a man is without a job my thought has been to 'kick him to the curb'.  

So now, here I am in a situation that sends me bright red lights that say "you should not be involved with someone who is not employed!".  And they continue to flash. 

And there is another light that is flashing in front of me, it is a blue light (Mother Mary blue for all you Catholics out there).  The blue light says "Compassion.  Remember when you were unemployed--- wouldn't it have been nice to have someone who was emotionally supportive?  What happened to your empathy?" 

On top of the lights I hear my brother saying "don't be so worried that you are going to be taken advantage of that you miss the blessing in front of you - (the blessing of being in the position to help someone). 

Red Lights, Blue Lights, My Brother's Sayings...Lots of questions, lots of advice, no answers.

I'm trying to walk towards the blue light, to listen to my brother (who, IMHO, epitomizes what it means to be a true Catholic, a true follower of Christ - 24/7) and to be smart at the same time.  I'm scared.  I'm trying to walk in faith, knowing & believing that God will order my steps.  I am walking one step at a time & trying to look & listen - all with caution. 

Lady Bug

One New Resolution for 2010

I'm here.  In 2010.  When I was a kid hearing about 2001 Space Odyssey, I remember thinking that I would never live to see that date because it was such a long ways away.  Yet, here I am in 2010.  Here we all are.

And it is time for resolutions.  Every year I make the usual resolutions - loose weight, eat better, exercise, get promoted at work (i.e. make more money), save for hard wood floors, save for my trip to Egypt.  This year I have another resolution I'll add. 

I still want to be physically healthier.  I not only want to be promoted, I deserve to be promoted after my 2009 year of reaching the challenges put in front of me!  I still want to save for my floors and for Egypt - but I've learned to keep my coins in a jar and just keep adding to it & not cash it in, since I still can't get the $200 'back' that I cashed in... So what's different?  I want to fall in love with someone who is in love with me. 

Yes, that is my resolution for 2010.  I want to be in love every day.  I want the feeling in the song I'd Rather by Luther Vandross.  I want to love that person through good times and bad times.  Right now, I'd like that person to be D, but I'm not there yet.  Time may move us in that direction... who knows.  But if it doesn't, I will end this relationship and look for another because I want to be in love. 

I want the feeling of contentment that comes from knowing the person you care for most in your life cares for you as well.  I want the feeling of ordinariness that comes from living with someone day in and day out.  I want the feeling of being able to say whatever I want (within reason) and not worry that we might 'break up'.  I want the feeling of being safe in his arms.  I want to be able to end a day's work & have a comforting hug - where I can let go & not be the boss.  I want to be able to tell him how great he is doing at _____ (when he's doing great) and to encourage him when things are not going well and tell him to 'suck it up' when he is making bad choices - all without repercussion, because he'll know I love him.  I want to know that he will be there at my side until we leave this earth, at my side to laugh, cry & everything in-between. 

Yes, I want to be in love in 2010.

Lady Bug

Worst Dates of 2009

• Dinner at T's house - it consisted of a corned beef sandwich on rye bread (which I don't like) with mayo (which I don't like - I'm a Miracle Whip girl), a movie that I wasn't interested in & him telling me how satisfying his life is in his big house and all his gadgets!  I think the big house was compensating for something - LOL.

• The date where the guy really wanted an exhibit for his social studies project (kidding!).  But of the white men I dated, this one was just a little too interested in my blackness... He prodded me about everything from Malcolm X to MLK Jr, to my thoughts on Blacks in the Catholic Church, reconstruction, civil rights, what my experiences were with prejudice since moving from NY to OH... and the list went on and on.  He had lots of questions and apparently he thought I was going to answer them all - for ALL of Black America!

• Coffee at Panera Bread ... The coffee was the best thing about that date... He just knew he was God's gift - giving me examples of what a great guy he had been in the past with his dates.  I left wondering that if he was such a good date with the others, why was he meeting me?????

• Dinner after work with a man who obviously missed his children.  When I talked with pride about my boys, he reminded me that he doesn't have access to his children because of _______& missed them terribly - so much so that his eyes welled up and tears flowed.  I don't mean to sound like I have a double standard, but he was way too in touch with his feminine side - especially for a first date in a restaurant filled with people.

• Drinks with "The Christian".  He proceeded to tell me that I should only be dating if I knew I wanted marriage - otherwise I was being sinful!  Excuse me for being honest when asked if I wanted to marry again- I honestly told him I didn't know.  But at the end of that date, I knew one thing, if I did want to get married, it wouldn't be to him!

• The "childless father" expert - who told me that I should have re-married when my children were younger because they obviously needed a father & I was selfish for not ensuring they had a father in their life!   Mind you, this expert knew that they adored their dad - even though we didn't live together.   Now if I had raised drug addicted felons, maybe he would have had a point... But since I raised responsible, strong Catholic men who are self sufficient, love their dad, step-siblings and understand they have an obligation to leave a positive mark on the world, I really had a hard time with this one.  Oh, and did I mention, he did NOT have any children?

• The dinner with what I thought was my perfect match... my equal career wise & financially.  A connoisseur of the theatre, jazz and good food.  A lover of big cities and all they have to offer.  The problem - he had learned to not pay child support and was proud of it because he "didn't know what his ex was doing with that money"!  No matter that his 2 children would be going without because of his selfishness.  I had flashbacks of not receiving child support, trying to figure out how to keep the lights on--- all because my ex didn't know what I was going to do with 'all that money'.  Needless to say, I left that date and adjusted my perception of my 'perfect match'.

• Seeing "The Orphan" with D (yup, D).  He only went because I wanted to go & on our way to the truck, when I remarked how much I enjoyed the movie, he proceeded to tell me how silly the characters in the movie were.  The ride home was full of "What's wrong?" from him and "Nothing" from me.  Maybe that is the day we became a couple! LOL

No wonder I am happy to hang out with D on the sofa, take the dogs for walks and cook together; and I save seeing chick flicks for girl time with M or J!

All in all, though... this hasn't been a bad year.

Lady Bug

2009

Another year has past...

I have gained another year of life...

I have more responsibilities at work... 

I have lost weight- 25 pounds!  (Woo Hoo!) since last year at this time...

I have a relationship that is moving in the right direction...

I have wonderful children and the last one is almost finished college...there is a light at the end of the tunnel... 

I have been employed all of 2009 (which is good in an economy of 10% unemployment - including 5,000+ employees of the company I work for, who have lost their job)

I have what I need, I have been blessed this year.

I am thankful & am looking forward to 2010.

Lady Bug

One True Love

I woke up in tears one morning... first time in a long time. Tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. These emotions were fostered by a funeral I attended a few days ago.  But as the day went on & I baked cookies, I thought "Well, maybe, just maybe D is the new love.  He did, after all, sit in a chair and watch me sleep a few weeks ago when I was in pain and couldn't get any relief from the pain pills (& refused to go to Urgent Care). 

When I listened to the homily and the testimonies at the funeral, I thought about the concept of 'one true love' - and I couldn't help but wonder if life only gives you one true love in a life time.  If so, did I already have mine (my ex-husband)?  I hope there is more than one love allotted folks in a lifetime...

Lady Bug

Boring Christmas - Woo Hoo!

Christmas has come and went without incident.  D didn't attend mass with me yesterday, he had to work.  I was, surprisingly disappointed because I was looking forward to sharing mass with him.  He did spend all Christmas day with me.  We ate breakfast together and it was special, it was our first Christmas Breakfast together.  Come to think of it, this is our first Christmas together.  And it has been happily, uneventful!  I have come to love 'the boring life'.

Holiday Disaster # 2??? - Lord Have Mercy, I Hope Not!!!!

Christmas is just a few days away.  Although I've bought lots of stuff, I don't feel very Christmas-y.  I didn't put a tree up (it's the second year in a row).  I laughingly say that I gave up Christmas Trees for lent (LOL), but the reality is that without a house full of kids, I look at the tree as work - something else I have to do, and I just don't want to have to do anything else.  I'm tired from working so many hours...

Despite my desire to not decorate, this Christmas may hold some significance.  D is going to come with my kids and me to Christmas Eve Mass.  He has never been to a Catholic service, so this should be different.  I'm a bit concerned...Thanksgiving comes to mind... even though he apologized, that day showed me that he is not real flexible & my parish is, well let's say, unusual.  Oh well... it was my idea to invite him, so I just need to take a deep breath, I guess, & trust God that this won't be a disaster. 

Quite frankly, I didn't think he would come, so now I am kinda hyperventilating! LOL...

I was trying to be considerate... trying to ensure I didn't infringe on his time Christmas day with his son, so inviting him to Christmas Eve Mass seemed like a good idea.  He could spend a little time with me & the rest of the time with his son.  Then I could spend time with my sons, cook, and have dogs running around and relax. 

Hopefully this won't be Holiday Disaster #2.  I'll just wait and see.

I really hope this scene isn't a climatic disaster - you know how some playwrights think that only conflict makes things interesting!!!!  OMG,  I'm hyperventilating again!

Lady Bug Hyperventilating

My reply to an email reminding me what a 'good' Christian is... HAH!

Yes, I've seen this email before. I know lots of folks who think it's good, but I err on the side of acceptance. Since man (the catholic church, that is) created the holiday as a way to give the pagans of Europe a way to become Christians without having to give up their Winter Solstice celebrations, I am not as protective of the holiday as others, I guess. I really think if Christ walked the earth today, he'd say one or all of the following:

"what are you people doing?

what happen to celebrating Him in thanksgiving?

why do you need to buy gifts - that wasn't even part of the winter solstice celebration!?

why would you name people with whom you disagree in a disparaging way in email- did you forget about 'love one another, as I have loved you'?

why do you condemn people who see me differently?

Why do you not understand the experiences of others that bring them to hate and then back to love? Or why haven't you tried to understand?"

Aren't you glad you sent me this email. :-( Sorry to be a kill joy, but work is beating me upside the head with a metal pipe - so I'm horribly grumpy. That said, when I get this email year after year, I often think we should just do away with all the trappings of Christmas, and celebrate the CHRIST-MASS and be done with it. My faith isn't endangered by someone who doesn't agree with me. I figure if my faith could be lost because my kids couldn't sing a carol, or say 'merry Christmas' - well then it wasn't very strong to begin with!


Below is the email that started my rant. :-)  Perhaps I am not nearly as good of a Christian as my more fundamentalist friends.  Maybe... or it could it be that I have friends who practice Islam, Judisim and other faith traditions that are not Christians.  And I love them.  It could be that I really do believe the adage "Love One Another As I Have Loved You" - and since Christianity, as a religion, wasn't started before Christ died, I tend to think that He really meant what He said.  So when I get emails as the one below from 'real' Christians, I tend to wonder what Christ really would think if he walked the earth today?  I wonder if we 'Christians' (me included!) would even recognize him, or would we hear his words of peace, acceptance, love, and joy and think that this man is a 'whimp'?
  

*Twas the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

*not Happy Holiday !*

Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet MERRY CHRISTMAS

My Character Is Growing

This scene in Act II is starting wonderfully.  At the end of the first Act, I was left on a 'high' that resulted in me not only being happy but in me eating less - hence weight loss!  And I am thankful for that benefit!  What woman doesn't like to see the scale go down?

Things are changing for me at the speed of life... Not too fast, not too slow.  I am living in the moment (for now) and not borrowing trouble (for now!).  My character seems to be growing.

Things are good between D and me.  I am having fun.  He makes me laugh, laugh out loud at stupid things.  He makes me think when he shares his view of the world - which is so different than mine.  He makes me question who I am & thus far I feel happy about the woman I've become.  The impatient person I was of years past, is still impatient, but I've learned to think more and speak less. 

Through this process I've wondered if once I found someone to share my life with if I would still want to do so.  Would I still 'only' want to be a wife and mother?  Would my dream change?  Would I still want to cook for someone, decorate with someone, talk about my kids with someone, would I dare share my dreams with someone?  Would I really be able to share me - the true me - with someone?  Not the accomplished professional woman "without a hair out of place" as my staff likes to say (LOL), not a smart, educated, 'strong' woman, not a woman who can get things done. 

The real me - the one who doesn't wear pants at work because they accentuate my butt - which needs no help getting attention!  The one who wonders if my job is going to be the next eliminated and hence, I worry.  The one who loves to learn but hasn't made time to return to college & worries that if my job does get eliminated that this will keep me from finding a comparable job because employers dismiss people without college degrees.  The woman who has so many papers on the floor of her office that I feel overwhelmed & am tempted to just throw them out, rather than read and organize them.   The woman who cried myself to sleep pining my 'ex' so much that my kids thought I had allergies (since I always woke up with blood shot, puffy eyes!).  The woman who although I've beat the odds of life financially & own a nice house - don't think it is complete because I have no one to share it with.  Luther's song, A House is Not a Home, describes how I felt 22 years ago & still today.

My dream of being a wife & a mother hasn't changed and I've began to find loves again --- things I enjoy doing,  not to accomplish anything, but to do something 'just because'.  I wonder if finding love is far away

My character continues to grow... I wonder about the future, but don't focus so much of my energies on it that I can't enjoy the present.

My character continues to grow... I am open to the idea that "opposites attract".  The chasm of difference between D and me are less important than is his ability to bring out the best in me. 

My character continues to grow... and I'm enjoying the journey.

Post Thanksgiving Surprise

Yesterday D called in the morning and he told me he took the day off & wanted to come spend the day with me.  I told him I was working & he said he'd come & wait for me to finish my day, so I said "OK" and proceeded with my morning.  He arrived a few hours later and made me lunch. 

When I was finished working I asked him "so what's up?" as I was very curious as to why he would take a day off in the middle of the week.  His response was: 

"just wanted to see my girlfriend & tell her in person that I was an ass at Thanksgiving & I'm sorry".

WOW!, I thought.  Introspection has never been a quality that I thought he had.  I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. 

Well we finished the day by going out, and he left at about 10 to drive the 2 hours back to his home, only to get up at 5 to start his day all over again.

The few hours we spent together, laughing, joking, talking about faith were a great few hours.  I went to bed feeling so good about him & woke up thinking about him. 

Yesterday was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant.

I think the first act is closed.  The scenes are done.  And as with any play, this act some scenes I liked, somes I hated, some inbetween, but the ending was absolutely great!  I am eager to see what Act II brings my way. 

Will I be the Mother in this Song?

There is a song by Luther Vandross titled Dance With My Father.  It's one of my favorites because it speaks of not only a child's love for a parent, but also the love between a husband and wife.  A love that survives death. 

I understand that kind of love, it's what keeps my mother in my thoughts every day.  It's the kind of love that keeps my ex in my thoughts.  My love for him survived the death of our marriage.  That love will no longer propel me back to him, but it is a love that cares for him, his welfare, his heart.

As I continue to perform in Act I, I continue to wonder if I will ever feel that deep, abiding love for a man again?  Will Act II have my heart open to that type of love?  Or will I be the mother in this song?

Just Dating

I mentioned that for a long time (about 18 years) I lived without much adult companionship - read, I had no man/boyfriend in my life. While I dated sparingly, it was just that - sparingly. And although I didn't plan it that way, it was actually the best thing for me. That way I focused on my kids and my career. The kids of course, were of utmost importance to me. That said, to give them the material things I wanted them to have like a good education, a safe home, clothes, food, more clothes, more food - (did I mention I have 3 sons?), and Catholic school tuition as well as college tuition, I had to make a "good" living - not just subsist. So, I focused on my career... with the main goal being to make enough money to keep my head above water. And all things considered, I've been successful in my career, and if I do say so myself, my boys have turned into wonderful men!

Now today, I have someone in my life. I met him on Match.com almost 2 years ago. He's funny, friendly and sweet. We discuss the issues of the day with passion... ok, maybe a little arguing some time, but all things being equal, there is more passion than arguing.

He and I are from different worlds, but we have had similar experiences. When we met, he had been divorced for just a few months & while he told me that he was over his ex, I could tell from his words and actions that he wasn't over her yet. He probably didn't know it, but I could see it, could hear it. Now 2 years later, I do think he is over her. He rarely speaks of her - actaully, I can't remember the last time she came up in conversation - probably 10 or 11 months ago. And while this sounds strange, I think the fact that he used to speak about her allowed me to get to know a side of him that I might not have otherwise known. It also allowed us to become friends before we became anything else. I got to see his pain, hear him acknowledge his mistakes (after listing all of hers, of course) and hear him talk about what he learned. Literally, the first few months of us talking on the phone & emailing were about life lessons. And he wasn't the only one sharing those life lessons. We both shared - and laughed - about the mistakes we had made in our past - vowing to never make those same mistakes again (yeah, right - LOL).

When we started dating, there were voices in my head saying "this man comes from a different world than you!" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, opposites attract, plus, I'm just dating". Then the voices in my head said "this man makes a lot less money than you & you know men are insecure when it comes to money" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, I'm not materialistic". Then the voices in my head said "this man's life is 2 hours away from here, it's not like you will see him often" and I answered that by thinking "that's okay, we're just dating". And loudest of all the voices said "he has a 12 year old son and you don't want to mother any more children" and I answered that by thinkinging "that's okay, he is a Mr. Right Now, not a Mr. Right & we're just dating!"

So now, it's 2 years later & I'm wondering if I should have listened to those voices in my head??? I'm trying to live in the moment - but I'm slipping into the "what's next"/ "what if" stage...

Lady Bug

A Want That Hasn't Changed - - - Is it Destiny?

Once my mother died, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  I didn't want to be a teacher, a project manager, a manager of any sort, a director, a vice president.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother.  I wanted a house with a large yard for the kids we were going to have.  I actually wanted to have somewhere between 4 and 6 kids.

It's now 38 years later and I still want to be a wife and mother.  The only difference is that I no longer want to have more than the 3 sons I have... they are just fine for me.  I still want to be a wife.

You would think that after all this time my dreams would meld to fit the time I am in, the life I am in.  But those dreams of the 10 year old girl are still strong, still prominent in my mind (when I dare allow myself to dream).

I don't know that I believe in 'Destiny' but if there is such a thing, and my dreams are any indication of my destiny, one day I will be married again...It's a nice thought.  I'm going to hold on to it - for now.

Lady Bug