Well, I am 50 and all I can say is Life is good!  My brother & sister in law came to visit & since I haven't seen them in 4 years, it was a great treat.  It would also be the first time anyone in the family, other than the boys, met D.  I was a little nervous... I wanted everything to be perfect & of course, I wanted D to be perfect.  No ignorant comments, no temper tantrums.  No "the world revolved around me" attitude!  It was quite a tall order, I must admit.

I was lucky and happy to have their help with the party.  I hadn't had a birthday party in 40 years - not since my mom died.  So, I threw myself a party.  And what a party it was!  I rented a tent, with tables and chairs.  I had a jazz band come and play.  I had tons of food.  The basement was all painted and actually, the blue looks very nice! (whew!).  And best of all, I had my brother & sister in law here. 

There were people milling around, listening to the music, and my sister in law and I were busy serving food & getting things in order.  My brother was mingling & entertaining folks with his nutty stories.  D was cooking on the grill (he LOVES that grill!)  Every time I had a free minute or two to look around, I saw people having a good time.  I saw laughter on peoples' lips and in their eyes.  It was wonderful.  I love to entertain!  The day was wonderful!

But even more wonderful than the day was how D handled the entire weekend.  He was friendly and sweet to everyone.  He sat & listened to my brother's crazy stories.  He complimented me on how I looked (which is a big step for him - plus, I've since seen the pictures, I didn't look very good at all! LOL... I've got to loose weight, but I digress!)  When everyone was leaving, he gave EVERYONE a hug - without reservation (I guess the germ-a-phobia took a hiatus).  He was the sweet guy that I met on line a few years ago.  And my brother & sister in law liked him!

Now, one might think that at 50 I probably should only care about what I think of the man in my life.  But the little girl in me who always looked up to my big brother really wanted him to like D.  It was so important to me.  I was thrilled when I saw the two of them interacting, both at ease, talking about God knows what.  I felt like I had his blessing, his approval.  And the little girl and grown woman in me craves his approval.  I am soooooooo grateful these days.  Grateful for D, grateful for my kids, grateful for my sister in law (who loves my brother so much!) and grateful for my brother, who loves me, cares for me, prays for me and approves of me & D.

50 is starting out to be a pretty good year!

It was Memorial day weekend & I was sick with a summer cold - felt more like the summer flu, but anyway, I was sick.  Since it had been raining so much, Iplanned on planting some more flowers - but I was stuck in the bed - looking at the green and red tree tops.  Boring.....

But D was a busy beaver... painting the basement.  He chose blue and at first I didn't think it was a good color,  but now that it is on the wall, it isn't bad.  Probably not what I would have picked for the basement, but oh well.  He painted - and all I had to do was buy the paint (he even bought the primer) - so that's good.   I don't like to paint!

It's funny... when I looked back at that weekend, I think "yeah, this is kind of nice".... Probably not real interesting, but nice, just the same.

I'm just a few weeks away from being 50 years old.  I have always associated 50 with being 'old'.  Not sure if I thought I would shrivel up and die when I was 50, or if I would need a nursing home at 50 or what... I just thought 50 was old.

So I'm close to that age & surprise (to me!) I don't feel old.  I am looking forward to being a grandmother to A's girlfriend's baby girl.  I'm praying that the Js conceive soon.  My life isn't what it thought it would be at this age, but my life is good.

D and I are good together now.  We are sharing my house and making it our home.  We are working in overdrive to get things spiffed up for my birthday.  He is painting and cleaning.  And he is cutting the grass to perfect percision - which I don't think hs is doing that for me... he is simply trying to outdo the neighbors - LOL.

He has never gotten a job that paid as much as before he got laid off and that still upsets him terribly.  But he works.  He goes where they tell him & do what they say.   Every day is a lesson in humility to such a proud man. 

And I am employing "am I being reasonable" to when I'm annoyed before I say anything.  Most times, I'm not being reasonable so I keep quiet & chalk it up to the fact that other than my ex, I've never lived with anyone before, so maybe some of the quirks are just part of living in the same house as someone else (other than children).

He is employing the "not such a big deal" strategy - LOL.  When he would normally complain for 20 minutes about something minuscule that is out of his control, he now says his pieces in 20 seconds and then says "Well I'm just not going to let it bother me".  The other day I commented on how wonderful that was & he informed me that he had to change because it was effecting his health.  Well I have to admit that I wished he would have said he is trying to change for me, but of well, I'll still take the results!

We are a couple.  We are not married, nor do we ever talk about it.  We are 2 people in a committed relationship and it feels good.

I watched a Mad_About_You episode where Jamie and Paul first met.  One of the lines in the show was Jamie telling Paul that she wasn't really looking for a relationship.  Paul responded "But what would you do if you found one?"  So sweet!

Toothpaste

I haven't written in a long time and I have been thinking about why I haven't written in a long time.  Well when I was brushing my teeth, I opened the medicine cabinet and saw a tube of Pearl White.  This is D's tooth paste.  He has to order it.  Stay with me...

Although D and I have lived together for about 18 months now, he doesn't mix his toiletries with mine.  He never put anything in the medicine cabinet.  It was as if adding toiletries to the medicine cabinet would suggest permanency and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted (I think).  Yet, when I saw the tooth paste, it says normalcy.  I smiled when I first saw it in there a few days ago. 

We are moving forward, maybe not towards marriage - but certainly towards a more permanent relationship (and I'm not sure we can get more permanent than we are now).

So I think the reason I haven't written in a long time is that I feel normal.  I don't feel on edge.  Now don't get me wrong, we still have our days and there are still things that bother me (prejudice being #1), but all in all, I think we are normal.

I love normal.

Lady Bug

"I Live Alone"

A few weeks ago, I had the flu & bronchitis (luckily it was at it's worst after Christmas!).  This gave me tons of time to sleep or to just lay in bed and flip through the channels (& wonder why I am paying for cable when I only look at the Food Channel, HGTV, ABC, & NBC!).  But I digress....Basically, I had lots and lots of time to think.  About me.  About D.  About us.  About 2010.  About love.  About things that annoy me.

One of the things I thought about was the fact that I have lived alone for most of my adult life and while I have not been happy about that, it was what it was.  I was the boss.  I was the person who made the final decision - and if they kids didn't like it, that was just too bad because I knew what was best.

I had my own room, my own closet, and since moving into this house, my own bathroom!  I kept my house clean or dirty - my choice.  My home, albeit lonely, had become my refuge against a world that wasn't always so nice.  A world that I didn't always see as 'on my side'.  My home was MINE - and given the lifestyle I live - focused on providing for my children's well being, including the best education I could afford to give them, I really didn't have a lot that was mine that I didn't share.  And even the house I share gladly with my children, with people who I invite over.  I am happy to share because in the back of my mind, I always know that "this is my house & if someone doesn't like it they can leave it".

But now, I no longer "live alone".  Not only is my grown son still at home, D is here.  When making decisions, I have to take them into consideration.  I realized through all my time in the bed that everyone needs their space - D needs his space, A needs his space & I need my space.  We all need our space to be happy - because living on top of one another is not good for anyone (been there, done that!).

So I'm trying to be more conscious about my decisions.  I am trying to bring D & A into the decision making process.  I am trying to ensure both know their opinions are valued. 

The reality is I don't "live alone" any longer.  This is new for me.  Perhaps this is good for me.

Marriage & Money

I used to hear people saying "I don't need to be married.  Marriage is just a piece of paper.", etc... And I always thought they were just saying that because they weren't in a place where they really wanted to spend the rest of their life with someone - or that the someone they were with was making "no-marriage" a condition of being with that person.  Either way, I looked down my nose at them...

But isn't life funny.  Here I am 2+ years into a relationship with a man that I think I can spend the rest of my life with. 

On his best days, he is kind and loving.  He is generous to a fault.  He looks at the future with all the awe of a child. 

On his worst days he is self centered & so selfish that one would think he was raised as an only child (but he wasn't - in fact he is the oldest of 3 & lived in a "we can't afford ____" or a "only rich white people do _____" house).  (I HATE PREJUIDICE & ALL IT DOES TO EVERYONE IT TOUCHES- BUT THAT'S ANOTHER POST)  And while he looks at the future with 'awe', he never learned the financial skills to make his future come true.

But his best self is are slowly, steadily outweighing his bad self.  And I find myself wondering where we will be in the future, what we will be together in the future.

As emotional of a person as I am, I am also a logical person.  Things need to "make sense" to me.  And as I think about our future, I think about marriage & then I think "I can not marry him - because 'marriage' for us does not make sense." 

I'm not worried about his love - I know he loves me.  I am worried that for the 30+ years he has been an adult he has made many bad choices.  Sometimes those choices were a result of a lack of knowledge, sometimes they were because of the limiting environment he grew up in, sometimes those choices were a result of selfishness (the hardest situation for me to deal with).  So the reality of his bad choices is he has job hopped because when he got mad (or didn't get his way) he simply left one job & got another job.  And while that didn't seem to be a bad thing to do back then, today it makes him look like a bad risk to an employer so it is much more difficult to find a 'good' job now.  He has bad credit - resulting in vehicle payments being much higher than what they need to be.  He has bills that have went to collections - and that means eventually bill collectors will be calling.  The bottom line is that if he and I were married, I would become responsible for some of his bills - and even if I wasn't responsible, my credit would be effected. 

So because of finances, marriage is not for me.

Now all this said, I do want to say that he is moving forward with his financial & job responsibility.  He has never asked me for a dollar and he knows that "my money is my money".  He knows I am putting my last child through school.  He knows what is important to me.  I think if we were in our 20's or even early 30's I would feel like there is time for him to turn himself around financially - but he is 50, I am 49 & the time has run out.  By the time he would be able to climb out of the hole he dug himself in we would be retirement age.

I've built a home for my sons and me.  And when I die, I want them to take the house, sell it & split the money 3 ways & live a happy life.  They know that.  But if I marry, the house will go to D & I don't want that.  Now that said, I could always tell the kids to sell the house & split the money with D.  My boys would do that (I think).  The only way I would feel differently is if D miraculously was able to take out a loan to buy 1/2 of the house from me.  Then I would leave 1/2 to him & have the kids split the rest of it.

But for now - marriage is out - because of this house.  Because I am not willing to loose what I have built for my kids and myself all because I love someone who made bad choices before I met him (regardless of the reason for the bad choices).

Does that make me terrible???????  Or just overly logical??????

PLUS---why am I worried about this?  He hasn't asked me to marry him! 

Lord Have Mercy, I'm borrowing trouble!

A Late & Wonderful Christmas Gift

Today I spent lots of time talking with A (my youngest).  I shared the plans I have for the house & he shared the plans he has for his life.  I love listening to him... he is so full of life and hopefulness.

During our conversations every now & again D would pop in and comment on something.  Well one was on The Green Hornet movie & saying that he wants to tape the series tomorrow.  A told him that he would look for the series on-line.  D was appreciative...

So here's the thing - the part that makes me think God is showing me that there is hope for D & my kids... A just looked for the series on-line.  He found it & purchased it - WITHOUT me asking!  Without me prodding.  He did it because he didn't get D anything for Christmas & decided that this would be a good (albeit late) Christmas gift!  And he didn't come in & ask me if I thought buying it would be a good idea.  He simply bought it on-line and told me it would be here by Wednesday!  I am so happy!  This shows me that A is learning to like D - which means D is being good to A (just as he promised!).

Wow, just wow!

Christmas 2010

What a difference a year makes...

I can't even begin to write about everything that has happened in 2010.  Some good, some not so good, some lousy & some downright bad.  So let me focus on the last few important days...  Christmas Eve, Christmas Day & the Day After Christmas...



My Church's Altar

 Christmas Eve...
I sang Oh Holy Night at this mass.  It is the first time I sang a solo on Christmas eve.  Other than not being able to find my first note, I think it sounded okay.  There were not a lot of people at mass - or I guess I should say that there were not as many people as usual.  But there were two people there that are so very important to me - D and my "baby boy" J.  I watched them sit together and talk before mass started.  During the sign of peace, they both came up to me.  At the end of mass, we had our picture taken together in front of the alter.  It was wonderful, simply wonderful to have them there with me.  I am lucky to have a parish that feels so much like family - but even so, it doesn't take the place of having family with me, praying with me, singing with me, celebrating God's love with me - nope, nothing takes the place of that.  It was the best gift I have been given in a long while. 










It's titled "Faith, Hope & Love", hmmm... is there a message in there?

Christmas Day... Slept in late - until 11 - Woo Hoo!!!  (first time in 30 years I was not up at 7 a.m. or so!)  D gave me wonderful pearl earrings & this beautiful picture.  I love both the pearls and the picture, but the picture will forever hold a special place in my heart.  



You see, D&I were in the mall a few weeks before Christmas & I saw the picture & told him I loved it & that I was going to save & get it after the holidays.  During that conversation he didn't appear to be listening to me & I chalked it up to the fact that "art really isn't his thing".  I remember being annoyed and thinking - for all the time I have patiently and attentively listened to him talk about the things he likes, he has some nerve not listening to me talk about something I like.  So on Christmas when I opened the wrapped package & found the picture I was really taken aback.  This picture is beautiful yes, but it reminds me that even though I don't think D is always listening, apparently I'm wrong about that.  Now, I'm not saying we're the perfect couple because of the picture, but when I get annoyed that I think he isn't listening, I just go in the dining room & look at the picture & I take a step back & think "well, MAYBE I'm wrong".  Having to eat crow every now and again  -even if I am the only one at the table - pushes me off my high horse - & perhaps that is a good thing.



The Day After Christmas... I cooked & the Js came to visit.  We had dinner in my dining room at my wonderfully set table...  I was so thrilled to have found my table cloth (yes, I'm learning to be happy about the small things in life.)  Dinner was nice - lots of good conversation & laughter. D & the Js got along well - & this warms my heart.  I could have just sat there and listened to them talk and laugh.  I've waited a long time for that.  And when A was able to get away from work, D was still happy, sweet and friendly.  Rather than being stressed about us all being together, I took a long sigh of relief & I enjoyed myself.  And my kids enjoyed themselves & D enjoyed himself.  It was a day that I found myself thinking "God is so good" & "I'm glad I didn't throw him out, I'm glad I believed in him, in us and in HIM."  

I love a beautiful table



Mercy is being shown to me.  If the 3 days around Christmas are any indication of 2011, it is going to be a wonderful year, and yes, God is indeed good!



One of my babies moved out of the state.  He now lives near S and his family.  I talked to him today & he is having a good time.  So why is it that my heart is broke & all I want to do is cry?

I so wanted to give my children a good life.  I wanted them to grow up & for us to be close.  I wanted us to always be a family - to be what I didn't have after my mom died.  And my child who moved - well he wanted that too.  He wanted it so much that he made it happen - he moved next to his dad.  Next to my ex.  Next to S and his family.  He sounds happy.  He has cousins, his grandmother, siblings and his dad.  He has the big family that I moved them away from so many years ago.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  I thought it was going to be okay.  By the time I could see through my grief & unhappiness to his, I didn't think I could 'go back'.  For one thing, I couldn't afford it... Moving from the midwest to the east coast brings a huge difference in price that I just couldn't afford alone.

The logical part of me knows that he is happy & that is what is important.

The selfish part of me wants him to come back here & live close to me.

The emotional part of me wants to cry until I can't cry anymore--- and right now, it's the emotional part that is winning!

I so miss my baby!

So It Turns Out I Wasn't "Done"

We talked, and talked & talked some more.  He apologized.  I forgave.

Not sure where this is going.  Not sure of much at all - except I'm not "done".

In 2011 I will be 50 years old.  I have been a mom for 30 of those years.  And as hard as it has been I have liked being a mom.  My children are so important to me.  For someone to not like them bothers me.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a wife and mother.  Now at 50, that is still what I want, but that means I have to find a man who wants to be a husband and a father.  Someone who sees this time of life as full of opportunities rather than trying to remain in years past. 

I wonder if there is anyone out there like that...

Done

Today is November 29th.  At about 1:30 a.m. today I spoke with D and when I hung up, I decided that I'm done.  I sent an email with everything I have been unable to say - not because I didn't try, but because every "talk" we attempted to have turned into a shouting match.  Not much communication happened between us over the last few months. 

My protests of my feelings being hurt were met with "you know how I am" - as if that is an excuse for cruel words or text messages.  Finally, I think I had heard this once too many times.  The last few weeks have made me think - "well, what about how I am?"  Yup, me - the woman who supported you through your difficult time, the one who believed in you when not even your family believed in you.  Yup, me. 

The woman who isn't angry with the world & is sick to death of you playing the "angry black man" character.  The woman who took a leap of faith to be with you over the past year.  This woman is done.

I'm hurt, I'm angry.  I'm sad, but I'm still alive - so I survived and I'm done.

So when my wounds heal, I'll find someone else - who can appreciate me for who I am rather than the caricuture he wants.

Love & Prejudice

A few days ago, I realized that I love D.  I should be joyous.  But what does that mean? I don't know.  I know that I am not "in love" - you know, the feeling you get when you know that you are bound to someone.  I don't have that feeling yet.  And  I know why...

D has many great qualities, but he is blatantly intolerant of those unlike him.  I know many people like him.  Some are in my family and I love them, yet it bothers me.  I understand that we all are intolerant of someone, of some thing.  I understand that I am not perfect. 

So, my request of him is that he not use derogatory language in my presence.  I don't find it funny, I find it unacceptable.  And because I have asked him to stop & he hasn't I feel as if my needs do not make a difference to him.  That isn't acceptable to me.  Love or no love...

When I was a child people treated me badly because I was Black, because I was fat, because I had (and still have) crooked teeth, because my family was far from perfect (I didn't know that no one's family was perfect), because I was smart (yes - & now I am happy and proud to say that!), because I didn't have "pretty" hair or "nice" skin, whatever in God's name "pretty" and "nice" means.  Perhaps the worst thing that I experienced was predjudice.  And for as long as I remember I remember thinking, and believeing that I would never be one of those people who was persecuted and becomes the persecutor. 

D's prejudice is 'socially acceptable' amongst most people - but not by me.  The theory that "God didn't make them that way" holds no water with me.  While I believe in God, I have learned with time that there is so much on this earth that I don't understand so I don't presume to know what God's intent was... but I digress...

The reality is that prejudice is hurtful.  In a word, it is mean.

A few days have gone by since I started this post.  I have had the opportunity to speak with a friend who is married to a man who shares this same prejudice, and she like me thinks that all prejudice is wrong.  What she told me after an afternoon of quiche & wine was that as powerful as the words of hate are, the words of love are 10,000 times more powerful.

I am still uneasy.  Still confused.  Still don't like any kind of acceptable prejudice.  Not sure what the next turn should be.

But D is out of town for work for a few days so I have some time to think... and to pray.  And Think & Pray I will do.

Mr. Right Now is becoming Mr. Right???????????????

My world has changed over the past 2 years.  Two years ago I was single and alone, today I am still single, but not alone. 

I wanted to find someone to share my life with.  I had a plan.  First, I was going to date, then eventually, I was going to meet Mr. Right, with the right job, with the right age children (grown,over 22 & out of college children), no longer in love with his ex, who owns his own car & home, who has 'reasonable debt' (whatever that means), who has similar education as me, (or more) and who lives close to me (at least in reasonable driving distance).

So, hmmm, two years have gone by & I dated and I did meet someone, D - Mr. Right Now.  When I met him I thought he was a lot of fun - but never thought he was Mr. Right because:
1- he makes considerable less money than me.
2 - his child was 12
3 - the way he spoke about his ex led me to believe he was not over her yet.
4 - he did/does own his own car.
5 - he didn't / doesn't own his own home.
6 - he does not have reasonable debt.
7 - he does not have similar education as me
8 - lived 2.5 hours away

Now - it is 2 years later & I think I'm in love.  My Mr. Right Now has become my Mr. Right.  He still doesn't meet all my criteria for Mr. Right.  I am surprised at myself every day for going down this path.  Part of me - the part who loves exploring the differences in life, in people, in circumstances - thinks this is alright.  I'm not concerned about money, status, homes or cars.  I am enjoying having someone in my life that cares for me, that can make me laugh & who will care for me when I am ill.  The part of me that is cautious about everyone I meet, is concerned about his debt (not terribly unreasonable, but it's debt that I worry about him having the ability to repay), his child, and his job (he has taken a severe pay cut as a result of the economy).  This part of me is scared, really scared of being involved with someone who has so much to gain by misleading me. 

I don't have a gut feeling that he is bad or that this situation is bad, so for now I move forward, cautiously, very cautiously.

Hmmmm....

The Day Is Not Far Off...

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?  The scene where they sing Do You Love Me?  Well, I've been thinking about that song.  And I've wondered, who am I in the scene --- Tevia asking if she loves him or Golde telling him that for 25 years she has taken care of him, bore his children, & after consideration she replies that she supposes she loves him.  They end the song saying "after 25 years, it doesn't matter, but it's nice to know. 

This song makes me think of all the things that D does for me around the house, all the things he does easily but that I hate to do.  I think of the things I do for him - without being asked.   

So over the last few days as I've been trying to figure out if I love D, this song gives me pause.  Perhaps the things we do for one another show love from both of us, for both of us.

One of my resolutions this year was that I was going to 'fall in love'... I think I am almost there.  I think that the person I am suppose to fall in love with is standing in front of me, watching TV with surround sound on my deck (sorry neighbors), is fussing about neatness, is vacuuming the house daily, is trying to find a better job so he can contribute more, really wants to be a pilot but settles for piloting a remote control plane.  He wants me emotionally, physically.  He hugs me a night, while I am sleeping - drawing me to him reminding me that he is right there for me.  This is the man that I am falling in love with... And while I am not there today, I think the day is not far off.

I looked at my face today and saw creases, the beginnings of wrinkles.  Signs of age.  Two years ago they were signs of a hard, sad life.  Signs of faked smiles for the sake of my boys. 

Over the past 6 months, the creases are probably deepening - but I'm okay with that.  Because these creases are the result of smiles.

Hopefully I will continue to deepen my creases with happiness.

So the last time I wrote, I said we were going to talk.  Well, we've talked & talked & talked & talked & talked some more!  Lots was said by both of us, but we didn't listen to one another. 

Finally we talked to one another instead of at one another. 

Finally we listened to one another. 

Me saying "your negativity is causing me stress because I am a person who gets great joy out of seeing others happy & by the way, I've been supporting you - emotionally & somewhat financially and you are just ungrateful"  Him telling me that I don't understand how hard things are for him and then talking about his past & telling me that he appreciates all that I've done.  Him telling me that he is sorry - that he doesn't mean to cause me pain. 

And lots of other conversations which were really conversations & not shouting matches, nor were they contests to determine how many one word answers he could give me before I had to grit my teeth to talk - (so I wasn't screaming while my son was in the house).  They were conversations - an exchange of ideas and feelings. 

Eventually we found something to laugh about, we remembered why we were attracted to one another two years ago.

I remembered the guy who could make me laugh, who was easy going and who genuinely cared for friends and family. Traits I value.

And so we move forward. 

We move towards a more permanent relationship - although I don't know what that is.  Is it marriage?  I don't know...  How odd it is that today I can question whether or not I will ever marry again, whether or not I want to marry again, whether or not I see the benefit to marry again (other than the whole going to hell thing - LOL).  As my friend M reminds me, 3 years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be married.  I longed to have my past life when I was happily married. 

These past 2 years have taught me that I have not necessarily longed for marriage, but I have longed to have connection.  Connection to one special man.  Someone who I can trust to be at my side, to care for me if I am ill.  Someone to make memories with...

I used to think that I had to have a man who made as much or more money than me because men just can't handle women who make more.  And while these past years haven't proven me 100% right, they have proved me somewhat right and somewhat wrong.  Most days I think D would rather he make more money than me; however, much of that feeling stems from the free fall of income he has experienced in the last year.  I do understand.

It is strange how this has all turned out.  I was once told that I needed to give this relationship time so that I could get to the gift God has for me.  And a few days ago when we starting speaking with one another & listening to one another I received that gift - (or at least the beginning of that gift).  Just before we fell asleep D said "I love you".  I smiled.  He said "I've loved you for a long time, but was afraid to tell you before".  I don't recall what I replied.  I do remember that with his tenderness while we were talking & his final words that I experienced a sense of calm, a sense that it was really going to be alright - that I wasn't being taken advantage of, that I was appreciated, that I was loved. 

It has been a long time since I had the feeling of being loved, and it feels good.  Normally my mind would be racing & wondering what tomorrow brings; what next week or month will bring; what next year will bring... But I am trying to learn to take a day at a time - to appreciate the goodness in front of me.  So with that, I can say that I am still enjoying the feeling of being loved & am trying desperately not to worry about the many tomorrows ahead of me. 

Life Changing Event

Wow, it's been a very long time since I wrote... I'm way beyond my weekly writing that I thought I would be doing last year.  Lots has happened since July...

D& I have had good days & bad days.  I have questioned why we are still in a relationship & been thankful that we are still in arelationship.

A little over a week ago I wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital.  I had a TIA (mini-stroke).  I stayed in the hospital for 5 days.  I'm fine.  And I'm reflective - more so than I was before I think.

To get sick gave me time to just think.  And I've thought about a lot of things--- most of all, I thought about D & me & wondered where we are going...

D's life has been very difficult in the last 6 months and he has been unhappy & it was manifesting itsself in negative overdrive.  Up until last week, I was handling his negativity, but since last week, I am increasingly resentful of his "my life is so bad, poor me" pity party.  I feel like he is totally focused on his life, therefore, there is no room for me in his life.  And I'm not feeling good about this...

Tonight we talk...

Still Here

I'm still here, and so is D.  I went back to work last week, after a week off... and that was a challenge.  But the week off was very pleasant.

We went to one of my friend's house for a July 4th barbecue.  We had a good time.  I gave D a ride in a WWII plane for his birthday.  He was on cloud nine, as was I.   And before that, we had a birthday party for him - he invited his friends (3 couples, but 2 couples showed up).  It was a lot of work, but we had a great time.  He was very joyful - the most I have seen in a long time.   I realized after that party how much he misses his own space, how much he misses his home and how much he misses his friends. 

Poverty does strange things to folks.  When I was living in poverty, my patience with my sons was almost non-existent, I yelled over milk left on the counter (because it might spoil and I didn't have money to replace it).  Poverty makes D sad, it makes him mad, it makes him focus on what he wants right now.  It makes him think the world is against him. 

And I try so hard to be supportive... I watch him work hard every day & he is not able to get ahead.  I remember how difficult that was.  Some days my heart aches for him... but other days when he is mad at the world and less than pleasant to be with, I get frustrated & I want to scream "Get over it & be thankful you have a job, a roof over your head and a place to call home (even if only temporarily)".  But I don't... I know when folks said these types of things to me when I was living in poverty just made me feel worse.  Plus I know that eventually things will work out.  But, sometimes it is hard.

Why don't I break up with him... because I think I have grown comfortable with him being here. 

I have become comfortable with waking up besides him.  For 20+ years, I woke up alone.  I slept on "my side" of the bed, even though there was no one on the other side.  Sometimes I would dream about S & my married life & then wake up with such sadness because I missed sharing my life with someone.  Now, I wake up with someone & I like it.

I have become comfortable with cooking dinner and eating with him every evening.  I love to cook but cooking for one is no fun.  To sit with someone who enjoys my creations makes me feel good.

I have become comfortable with having him accompany me to parish picnics, BBQs, and to the park.  There is something about being a couple, versus being single when I go to these events.  People always included me, but I always felt like the 'odd man out'.  With D at my side, I feel a sense of comfort that I hadn't felt before. 

I have become comfortable with walking through Lowe's & Home Depot with him.  I love that he put up the gazebo, fixes things in the house and vacuums the floors almost daily. LOL.  I love that I don't have to do everything by myself.

When I was married, S and I entertained and I loved doing that, so I loved having his friends here.  Using all my platters, planning a menu, decorating the house & showing it off (yes, I admit I liked showing off my home) was fun.  I'm looking forward to having both sets of friends here next month (if I can afford it). 
The night of the party when everyone was gone, and the kitchen was clean we laid in bed exhausted... too tired for a good night kiss.  He said "Thank you for making my friends feel at home" and that was a gift to me.  He appreciated me.  I said "You're welcome" and nothing more.  But it was at that time that all the money issues, his complaining & pity parties left my mind.  It was at this time that I thought "We are a couple".

I do love being a couple.  I think it is why we are still here, even though I am fearful that I am a couple & he isn't...  Who knows, I might be scared over nothing, like the Bard's play - "Much Ado About Nothing"... Who Knows.  What I do know is we are still here.