2009

Another year has past...

I have gained another year of life...

I have more responsibilities at work... 

I have lost weight- 25 pounds!  (Woo Hoo!) since last year at this time...

I have a relationship that is moving in the right direction...

I have wonderful children and the last one is almost finished college...there is a light at the end of the tunnel... 

I have been employed all of 2009 (which is good in an economy of 10% unemployment - including 5,000+ employees of the company I work for, who have lost their job)

I have what I need, I have been blessed this year.

I am thankful & am looking forward to 2010.

Lady Bug

One True Love

I woke up in tears one morning... first time in a long time. Tears of fear, sadness, and loneliness. These emotions were fostered by a funeral I attended a few days ago.  But as the day went on & I baked cookies, I thought "Well, maybe, just maybe D is the new love.  He did, after all, sit in a chair and watch me sleep a few weeks ago when I was in pain and couldn't get any relief from the pain pills (& refused to go to Urgent Care). 

When I listened to the homily and the testimonies at the funeral, I thought about the concept of 'one true love' - and I couldn't help but wonder if life only gives you one true love in a life time.  If so, did I already have mine (my ex-husband)?  I hope there is more than one love allotted folks in a lifetime...

Lady Bug

Boring Christmas - Woo Hoo!

Christmas has come and went without incident.  D didn't attend mass with me yesterday, he had to work.  I was, surprisingly disappointed because I was looking forward to sharing mass with him.  He did spend all Christmas day with me.  We ate breakfast together and it was special, it was our first Christmas Breakfast together.  Come to think of it, this is our first Christmas together.  And it has been happily, uneventful!  I have come to love 'the boring life'.

Holiday Disaster # 2??? - Lord Have Mercy, I Hope Not!!!!

Christmas is just a few days away.  Although I've bought lots of stuff, I don't feel very Christmas-y.  I didn't put a tree up (it's the second year in a row).  I laughingly say that I gave up Christmas Trees for lent (LOL), but the reality is that without a house full of kids, I look at the tree as work - something else I have to do, and I just don't want to have to do anything else.  I'm tired from working so many hours...

Despite my desire to not decorate, this Christmas may hold some significance.  D is going to come with my kids and me to Christmas Eve Mass.  He has never been to a Catholic service, so this should be different.  I'm a bit concerned...Thanksgiving comes to mind... even though he apologized, that day showed me that he is not real flexible & my parish is, well let's say, unusual.  Oh well... it was my idea to invite him, so I just need to take a deep breath, I guess, & trust God that this won't be a disaster. 

Quite frankly, I didn't think he would come, so now I am kinda hyperventilating! LOL...

I was trying to be considerate... trying to ensure I didn't infringe on his time Christmas day with his son, so inviting him to Christmas Eve Mass seemed like a good idea.  He could spend a little time with me & the rest of the time with his son.  Then I could spend time with my sons, cook, and have dogs running around and relax. 

Hopefully this won't be Holiday Disaster #2.  I'll just wait and see.

I really hope this scene isn't a climatic disaster - you know how some playwrights think that only conflict makes things interesting!!!!  OMG,  I'm hyperventilating again!

Lady Bug Hyperventilating

My reply to an email reminding me what a 'good' Christian is... HAH!

Yes, I've seen this email before. I know lots of folks who think it's good, but I err on the side of acceptance. Since man (the catholic church, that is) created the holiday as a way to give the pagans of Europe a way to become Christians without having to give up their Winter Solstice celebrations, I am not as protective of the holiday as others, I guess. I really think if Christ walked the earth today, he'd say one or all of the following:

"what are you people doing?

what happen to celebrating Him in thanksgiving?

why do you need to buy gifts - that wasn't even part of the winter solstice celebration!?

why would you name people with whom you disagree in a disparaging way in email- did you forget about 'love one another, as I have loved you'?

why do you condemn people who see me differently?

Why do you not understand the experiences of others that bring them to hate and then back to love? Or why haven't you tried to understand?"

Aren't you glad you sent me this email. :-( Sorry to be a kill joy, but work is beating me upside the head with a metal pipe - so I'm horribly grumpy. That said, when I get this email year after year, I often think we should just do away with all the trappings of Christmas, and celebrate the CHRIST-MASS and be done with it. My faith isn't endangered by someone who doesn't agree with me. I figure if my faith could be lost because my kids couldn't sing a carol, or say 'merry Christmas' - well then it wasn't very strong to begin with!


Below is the email that started my rant. :-)  Perhaps I am not nearly as good of a Christian as my more fundamentalist friends.  Maybe... or it could it be that I have friends who practice Islam, Judisim and other faith traditions that are not Christians.  And I love them.  It could be that I really do believe the adage "Love One Another As I Have Loved You" - and since Christianity, as a religion, wasn't started before Christ died, I tend to think that He really meant what He said.  So when I get emails as the one below from 'real' Christians, I tend to wonder what Christ really would think if he walked the earth today?  I wonder if we 'Christians' (me included!) would even recognize him, or would we hear his words of peace, acceptance, love, and joy and think that this man is a 'whimp'?
  

*Twas the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

*not Happy Holiday !*

Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet MERRY CHRISTMAS

My Character Is Growing

This scene in Act II is starting wonderfully.  At the end of the first Act, I was left on a 'high' that resulted in me not only being happy but in me eating less - hence weight loss!  And I am thankful for that benefit!  What woman doesn't like to see the scale go down?

Things are changing for me at the speed of life... Not too fast, not too slow.  I am living in the moment (for now) and not borrowing trouble (for now!).  My character seems to be growing.

Things are good between D and me.  I am having fun.  He makes me laugh, laugh out loud at stupid things.  He makes me think when he shares his view of the world - which is so different than mine.  He makes me question who I am & thus far I feel happy about the woman I've become.  The impatient person I was of years past, is still impatient, but I've learned to think more and speak less. 

Through this process I've wondered if once I found someone to share my life with if I would still want to do so.  Would I still 'only' want to be a wife and mother?  Would my dream change?  Would I still want to cook for someone, decorate with someone, talk about my kids with someone, would I dare share my dreams with someone?  Would I really be able to share me - the true me - with someone?  Not the accomplished professional woman "without a hair out of place" as my staff likes to say (LOL), not a smart, educated, 'strong' woman, not a woman who can get things done. 

The real me - the one who doesn't wear pants at work because they accentuate my butt - which needs no help getting attention!  The one who wonders if my job is going to be the next eliminated and hence, I worry.  The one who loves to learn but hasn't made time to return to college & worries that if my job does get eliminated that this will keep me from finding a comparable job because employers dismiss people without college degrees.  The woman who has so many papers on the floor of her office that I feel overwhelmed & am tempted to just throw them out, rather than read and organize them.   The woman who cried myself to sleep pining my 'ex' so much that my kids thought I had allergies (since I always woke up with blood shot, puffy eyes!).  The woman who although I've beat the odds of life financially & own a nice house - don't think it is complete because I have no one to share it with.  Luther's song, A House is Not a Home, describes how I felt 22 years ago & still today.

My dream of being a wife & a mother hasn't changed and I've began to find loves again --- things I enjoy doing,  not to accomplish anything, but to do something 'just because'.  I wonder if finding love is far away

My character continues to grow... I wonder about the future, but don't focus so much of my energies on it that I can't enjoy the present.

My character continues to grow... I am open to the idea that "opposites attract".  The chasm of difference between D and me are less important than is his ability to bring out the best in me. 

My character continues to grow... and I'm enjoying the journey.

Post Thanksgiving Surprise

Yesterday D called in the morning and he told me he took the day off & wanted to come spend the day with me.  I told him I was working & he said he'd come & wait for me to finish my day, so I said "OK" and proceeded with my morning.  He arrived a few hours later and made me lunch. 

When I was finished working I asked him "so what's up?" as I was very curious as to why he would take a day off in the middle of the week.  His response was: 

"just wanted to see my girlfriend & tell her in person that I was an ass at Thanksgiving & I'm sorry".

WOW!, I thought.  Introspection has never been a quality that I thought he had.  I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. 

Well we finished the day by going out, and he left at about 10 to drive the 2 hours back to his home, only to get up at 5 to start his day all over again.

The few hours we spent together, laughing, joking, talking about faith were a great few hours.  I went to bed feeling so good about him & woke up thinking about him. 

Yesterday was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant.

I think the first act is closed.  The scenes are done.  And as with any play, this act some scenes I liked, somes I hated, some inbetween, but the ending was absolutely great!  I am eager to see what Act II brings my way. 

Will I be the Mother in this Song?

There is a song by Luther Vandross titled Dance With My Father.  It's one of my favorites because it speaks of not only a child's love for a parent, but also the love between a husband and wife.  A love that survives death. 

I understand that kind of love, it's what keeps my mother in my thoughts every day.  It's the kind of love that keeps my ex in my thoughts.  My love for him survived the death of our marriage.  That love will no longer propel me back to him, but it is a love that cares for him, his welfare, his heart.

As I continue to perform in Act I, I continue to wonder if I will ever feel that deep, abiding love for a man again?  Will Act II have my heart open to that type of love?  Or will I be the mother in this song?

Just Dating

I mentioned that for a long time (about 18 years) I lived without much adult companionship - read, I had no man/boyfriend in my life. While I dated sparingly, it was just that - sparingly. And although I didn't plan it that way, it was actually the best thing for me. That way I focused on my kids and my career. The kids of course, were of utmost importance to me. That said, to give them the material things I wanted them to have like a good education, a safe home, clothes, food, more clothes, more food - (did I mention I have 3 sons?), and Catholic school tuition as well as college tuition, I had to make a "good" living - not just subsist. So, I focused on my career... with the main goal being to make enough money to keep my head above water. And all things considered, I've been successful in my career, and if I do say so myself, my boys have turned into wonderful men!

Now today, I have someone in my life. I met him on Match.com almost 2 years ago. He's funny, friendly and sweet. We discuss the issues of the day with passion... ok, maybe a little arguing some time, but all things being equal, there is more passion than arguing.

He and I are from different worlds, but we have had similar experiences. When we met, he had been divorced for just a few months & while he told me that he was over his ex, I could tell from his words and actions that he wasn't over her yet. He probably didn't know it, but I could see it, could hear it. Now 2 years later, I do think he is over her. He rarely speaks of her - actaully, I can't remember the last time she came up in conversation - probably 10 or 11 months ago. And while this sounds strange, I think the fact that he used to speak about her allowed me to get to know a side of him that I might not have otherwise known. It also allowed us to become friends before we became anything else. I got to see his pain, hear him acknowledge his mistakes (after listing all of hers, of course) and hear him talk about what he learned. Literally, the first few months of us talking on the phone & emailing were about life lessons. And he wasn't the only one sharing those life lessons. We both shared - and laughed - about the mistakes we had made in our past - vowing to never make those same mistakes again (yeah, right - LOL).

When we started dating, there were voices in my head saying "this man comes from a different world than you!" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, opposites attract, plus, I'm just dating". Then the voices in my head said "this man makes a lot less money than you & you know men are insecure when it comes to money" - and I answered it by thinking "that's okay, I'm not materialistic". Then the voices in my head said "this man's life is 2 hours away from here, it's not like you will see him often" and I answered that by thinking "that's okay, we're just dating". And loudest of all the voices said "he has a 12 year old son and you don't want to mother any more children" and I answered that by thinkinging "that's okay, he is a Mr. Right Now, not a Mr. Right & we're just dating!"

So now, it's 2 years later & I'm wondering if I should have listened to those voices in my head??? I'm trying to live in the moment - but I'm slipping into the "what's next"/ "what if" stage...

Lady Bug

A Want That Hasn't Changed - - - Is it Destiny?

Once my mother died, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  I didn't want to be a teacher, a project manager, a manager of any sort, a director, a vice president.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother.  I wanted a house with a large yard for the kids we were going to have.  I actually wanted to have somewhere between 4 and 6 kids.

It's now 38 years later and I still want to be a wife and mother.  The only difference is that I no longer want to have more than the 3 sons I have... they are just fine for me.  I still want to be a wife.

You would think that after all this time my dreams would meld to fit the time I am in, the life I am in.  But those dreams of the 10 year old girl are still strong, still prominent in my mind (when I dare allow myself to dream).

I don't know that I believe in 'Destiny' but if there is such a thing, and my dreams are any indication of my destiny, one day I will be married again...It's a nice thought.  I'm going to hold on to it - for now.

Lady Bug

Thanksgiving - wasn't quite what I was planning...

Well, we all spent Thanksgiving together, my sons and their significant others and D.  I cooked and cooked for 2 days.  I wanted everything to be perfect.

This would be the first time J&J would meet D so I was a little nervous.   They arrived & brought their dog - who is a bit rambunctious. 

After a while I noticed that D wasn't being his normal jovial self.  Actually, he was noticeably angry... the tone of his voice wasn't the norm.  So I emailed to ask what was wrong & here is the answer I got:  "Did you notice how several people were touching the dogs and didn't wash there hands but was helping you setting up dishes on the table. That was grounds enough for me to leave. I Stood right there and watched them pet the dogs and no one washed there hands, just before you asked your daughter in law to try something she stuck her hands in your pan and picked the food. At that rate I'll say no thank you! Have you noticed I won't eat anything else."

I hadn't noticed & really didn't know how to respond.  I have a few thoughts - such as "what were they thinking" and "why did they have to bring the dog to Thanksgiving since they know the dog is really still a puppy" and "why didn't he say something"  For heaven's sake, he would not have had to scream or yell--- he could have just said "hey guys, wash your hands before touching the food, or setting the table" or whatever the 'norm' would be to handle such a situation.

Well anyway, after dinner he seemed to calm down - the tone in his voice went back to the 'regular' tone so we laughed & talked with the kids.  We played Wii and talked and he asked me to come work on flying the simulator for his helicopter - which was fun & an unexpected surprise since he usually doesn't ask me to work on the simulator - it's something he does alone.  He wouldn't play the Wii though (we played right after dinner so I think he was still mad).

After dinner was over, we did have a good time, but I was really bummed because I worked so hard on the dinner & wanted everyone to rave & they didn't.  Between the dogs and his mood, there was tension in the room.  :-(

Then to make matters worse, I ate too much of the mac & cheese & a sliver of cheesecake & so my stomach started to ache!    

This was definitely not the Thanksgiving I was dreaming of...BUT, I did make the best of it.  And I think D did as well.  All things considered, I would probably do it differently, if I had to do it again.  My fear, of course, is that the Js got a bad first impression of D - which isn't good because my kids as so important to me.  But maybe I'm borrowing trouble, because D left first and neither J or his wife said anything bad; however they didn't comment at all - which might not be good either.  Yes, I am over thinking this, & consequently borrowing trouble.  Seems I haven't learned the lessons of my mom or my aunt just yet. 

Oh well - on that note, I am going to take M some cheesecake.  It actually turned out quite well... not quite NY style - but VERY close!

Lady Bug

I'm No Mrs. Robinson

So today I received a Wink from a 30 year old on Match.com.  That was great for my ego, but that's about it.  Given my son is almost 30, the thought of dating someone who has more in common with my son than with me is a little creepy.  I'm not that open minded, I guess - LOL!  Even if I was still on my D-Diet, I just can't fathom it.  There are lots of scenes in this play, but a re-play of "Mrs. Robinson" won't be one of them.

I'm living in the moment so I took the Wink as a compliment & smiled. 

Lady Bug

What I've Learned

By now, you know I joined EHarmony a while ago.  They are supposed to match people on "29 dimensions of compatibility".  So I went through the process of answering a gazillion questions, paid $179.00 for the year (what WAS I thinking?), and waited for that compatible person to send me an email.  For those who are thinking "What happened to D?;  he's still here... I'm just making a point.  

So that was a few months ago.  Thus far I've received some introduction emails from eHarmony, but not many emails from actual men who are interested in pursuing the "29 dimensions of compatibility" with me.  Most of the emails I have received thus far have been received during their 'free communication weekends'.

So what have I learned????  Well, a few things:
#1 If I ever want to use an on-line dating service, wait until the 'free weekends' because obviously this is the one area where no one really gets what they pay for!
#2 Perhaps I need to re-examine my desire to find someone with whom I have lots in common - after all D & I couldn't be more different - and that came in quite handy when his sense of humor was able to make me laugh when I wanted to scream.
#3 I really should stop trying to control my future (at least as far as my romantic future is concerned - I'm still going to try and control my career future!).
#4 I need to remember that God doesn't need my fumbling help (as a very smart woman once told me!)
#5 I should be thankful for what I have every day - wonderful children, good friends, a nice home, the material things I need, a job that pays the bills and a man who cares about me & who I care about - ALL courtesy of God.

My point - God is in charge, He doesn't charge $179.00, and He seems to be handling my life just fine.

It is Thanksgiving season & I am truly thankful for the lessons I've learned & what I will continue to learn. 

Happy Thanksgiving,

Lady Bug

Interesting Day

This past weekend was, well let's say 'interesting'... yup, I think that's a good word.  "Interesting" sounds so much better than "I'm living in a Laurel & Hardy movie".  Who would believe that???  And no one would believe the truth. 

No one would believe that my GROWN UP child emptied the dryer & threw the clothes onto the kitchen table, which had a lit candle on it, therefore the clothes caught on fire!  And when D noticed that my kitchen was on fire & tried to run to put it out, he tripped over the chair that I had placed on the diagonal to keep the sick dog (the one who never gets sick) out of the family room.  Then D got up & started stomping the fire with his hand - which doesn't work by the way.  After burning his hand, I got up, went to the sink to get water & poured it on the clothes - which D had threw to the floor to ensure my light didn't catch fire - but now the flaming clothes were burning my solid wood kitchen floor (the floor that I love, no, that I LOVE!!!).  Needless to say, the fire finally went out.  The clean clothes were not a little singed, nope they were burnt to a crisp.  Anger flooded me as I told my very broke child that he was going to pay for this, to which he replied "how, I don't have any money!?".  "I will pay for the damage and you will pay me back!", I said through clenched teeth.

My GROWN UP child was in charge of cleaning up the mess while D and I went to the store to buy clothes to replace the ones which were burned... You are probably wondering why he and I were going to the store right away (on a Sunday afternoon, there were really better things to do!).  Well, it turns out that because he had worked very late the day before he hadn't gotten to the laundromat & when he told me I said "oh, just bring your clothes here and wash them here"... (what was I thinking!?)  So, as luck would have it, the clothes my GROWN UP child threw on the kitchen table were D's and not only were they his clothes - they were his work clothes.  You know, the heavy, expensive clothes people wear who work outside... thermal T-shirts for 13 bucks a piece!  Cold weather socks fro $12 a pair!  Work pants for 21.99 - on sale and a "thermal hoodie" for 15.99 - on sale.  Not to mention underwear and undershirts (and while these aren't specifically for work, it's hard to not offer to buy this stuff too since burnt underwear and burnt undershirts are hardly wearable for work or any other occasion!).

The entire time we were shopping, I was mad - this was money I didn't have & and an expense I didn't need on my Visa.  So D, being D started telling me stories to make me laugh... One of the stories - about him wearing something pink & explaining to his buddies why he was wearing something pink, resulted up in him saying "well they would not believe me when I told them I was wearing it because my girlfriend brought it for me, so I'd have to have someone call you so  you could ell them you bought it for me".  I forgot the joke when I heard the term 'my girlfriend'.  This isn't a label or term he used to describe me before.  So I went from being mad at my son to confused at this situation!  After all, just a few weeks ago, I was on a D-Diet, then I decided to live in the moment (and the moment didn't have me labeled as his girlfriend - the 'moment' had NO label!). 

Now,  just like that, I was his girlfriend.  Confusion replaced the anger with those 2 little words.  I couldn't help wonder what it meant - but I didn't want to have that conversation in a department store! 

I was no longer mad.  God had saved my son from the lecture of his lifetime & pulled my blood pressure back into the normal zone - all by allowing me to hear D say these two words.  I was confused as hell, but I wasn't mad.  God has a weird way of focusing my thoughts.

Yup, it was an 'interesting' day.

The Diet Is Over (I think)

It was a busy week.  As the end drew near I took a little me time, watched TV, listened to NPR, read and went to hear jazz & spoken word poetry with M.  I checked my email & got lots of introductions from eHarmony, but no emails from the men.  Amazingly, it didn't bother me.

D and I spent time together - and had fun.  After a few days of confusion, I re-oriented myself to again thinking of him as "Mr. Right Now" - all pressure gone.  We laughed, watched football, went walking, flew his helicopter (which surprisingly is a lot of fun) and he cooked for me (and since his cooking skills have improved, that was a lot of fun for me). 

Without having expectations for the future I am much better able to enjoy the moment.  There is wisdom in living in the moment (or at least trying!).  When I was a kid & worried, my mom used to say "don't borrow trouble" and my aunt used to say "no one is promised tomorrow - live today".  Both wise women were trying to teach me to live in the moment, to enjoy today.  My mom tried for the first 10 years of my life and my aunt tried for the next 25.  It's only taken me 48 to try to practice what they preached!

I wonder what part of the play I am in... Act 1, Act 2, Intermission?  What I do know is that I'm singing.  And smiling.

I've been on the D-Diet for some time.  The time away has been good... I can think more clearly now.  So I'm okay with being on the D-Diet now and eventually being on a D-Fast. 

These past days have given me time to look realistically about who I am,who D is and the differences between the two of us.  We are most definitely opposites, and while years ago, I found that very attractive (after all the only love of my life could be described as very different than me), today I see that differnce as temporary fun. 

I love the differences between the genders, between cultures.  I love the exciting thought provoking conversation that occurs when divergent points of view are set side by side.  But exciting can give way to exhausting.  And at this point in my life I am looking for more peacefulness, for rest.

There is no argument that my life has been difficult over the past 20+ years.  When I look back at it, I sometimes wonder how I survived.  To survive I pushed myself to limits I didn't know existed.  I pushed my wants and needs to the back burner, I focused on what 'absolutely had to be done' and that rarely, if ever, included what I desired.

So now, my life needs to be easy - or as easy as it can be.  And while having fun with my opposite is, well, fun, it won't make for a long relationship.  I want lasting fun...

Lady Bug

Is there really such thing as chemistry????

I've noticed that when I read postings on dating sites that people often speak about chemistry - well, I guess I should say men talk about chemistry, since I haven't looked at any women ads... I digress...

Anyway, I am wondering what "chemistry" means.  I wonder if it really is referring to a sexual attraction, just couched in a way that won't send most women running.  Or is it more than that? 

I asked a friend about it.  She talked about it being the feeling that you just want to be with someone, you want to talk with him all the time, and she talked about feeling it almost instantly - or at least by the time the first date is over.  I must say, that I have never experienced this instantaneous draw to a man.  I've always looked at dating as a process whereby I can get to know a man and if something is there, my thought is that it will reveal itself over time. 

I expect the relationship to unfold like a trip to the theatre.

• You wait in line for what seems to be forever just for the doors to open ---Like waiting to receive a match from eHarmony or Match.
• Once you get in the theatre, you wait to be escorted to your seat --- Like when you are deciding if you should respond to the eHarmony introduction sent, or the Wink you received from Match.com
• 
  
  Then your seats are found, you relax --- Like having IM or email conversations with that new person, no pressure; after all you can choose your words so carefully in email.
  
• 
  
  Finally, the lights dim --- You meet in person, the first date.
  
• 
  
  The orchestra begins to play - Like when things are going well, the two of you are talking and laughing & you find the person 'nice' - nothing more, because you are still in the dark & the play has not started. 
  
• 
  
  And the play begins, and you watch, you listen, perhaps you tap your feet to the music & some parts you like, and other parts, not so much --- Like when you are dating and getting to know one another.
  
• 
  
  And then the play comes to an end.  There were good parts and bad parts.  The hope is that there were many more good parts then bad parts.  --- Like when your relationship is over - perhaps in a week, a month, a year, a lifetime or anything in between.
  
  

Currently I am watching my own performance.  Some parts I like, other parts - well, not so much.  But I'm giving it my all - trying to get accustomed to my 'single woman who is dating in her 40s" character.

Actress Lady Bug

Where Do Single 45+ Women Meet Good Single Men?

I've written before about the fact that I should get out to meet someone, and I read this advice all the time - but can someone tell me where exactly I should go?

I can certainly walk in the park or around my neighborhood - but both these places are hardly places to go to meet men. First of all, I've never noticed anyone in the park who wasn't hard core exercising, and as such, those men were not really looking to talk to anyone. Second, I live in a small city, "a good safe place to raise a family..."; consequently, the men here are married. This just isn't where single men choose to live.

I've heard "go to church"... I wonder about this type of advice because when I attend church & look around, the men who are there are always there with their family.

I've heard "do charitable work" - which I used to do & while it wore me down physically and mentally, I never met any single people while doing this work.

Since I do not like people who are drunk, and I rarely think that 'tipsy' is cute, going to a bar by myself isn't a good idea. After all, what would I have in common with people who 'love to drink'. Now that said, since I love basketball, I could go to a sports-bar to watch a basket ball game, that would be fun - but who would I go with? I really don't have single friends AND the I kind of associate bars - (sports or otherwise) - with 20-somethings and 30-somethings. And while I don't consider myself 'old', I have three 20-somethings (one of whom is almost 30) so I find it hard to believe I would find someone in a bar that I would want to date. My guess is I would be looking at the bartenders trying to determine if they are properly checking IDs! (I just can't turn off the 'mom' in me - LOL.

So, where is it that I should go to so that I can meet good single men? If you know, please share your knowledge with me! Especially, given the D situation, I really want to move forward!
 Thanks!

Lady Bug

Am I Still Dieting?

It was a busy day at work. Phones ringing, plenty of meetings. Lots of activity. For the entire morning, I was 'heads down' in work and focused. Then at 12:45 as I was finishing up a meeting, my cell phone rang. I looked down & whose name did I see but D's. Was my diet over?

I answered, cautiously. He was at lunch & thought he would call me "just to talk". We talked for what became my lunch hour. And while it was nice to talk to him, I listened intently to his words - with my head, not my heart. He was excited about something at his job & wanted to share. I was happy to listen, and I did - listen. As he was talking about what he would be doing in the near future, I listened to see if any of his plans included me. Not many of them included me.

While we made plans to see one another in a few weeks for an event, he informed me that he was going to be attending football parties every Sunday during football season. And he didn't invite me to attend these parties with him. So in my mind, I'm thinking "hmmm so on Saturday, after work he will come here and we'll do the movies or something & since it's after work, he won't be here in time to do a play or go to a museum, or even go to the park for a walk - which would be okay if we could do some of those things on Sunday - but on Sunday, he'll get up and leave pretty much immediately for the 'football party'... Hmmm, I'm not liking this. When I asked when this started, he said that his friends had asked him to attend. That it was a "good way of meeting people".

I was taken aback - didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

And now, I'm just confused - no, not confused, hurt - but just a bit.

So I've decided that I probably need to share my thoughts with him before I go too much further. I know that this is what I would tell my friends to do... I could just hear me "Why in God's name do you think he can read your mind! You are borrowing trouble. For heavens sake, you can do this! Just tell him how you feel." I give really good advice - taking it, well, I'm not so good at that.

And I know this. I also know that I am not good at taking chances on saying something that might result in a negative reaction. Avoidance - it's one of those skills I learned over the past 21 years - and by now, I have this skill perfected!

So now I write, instead of speak... but I do realize that I have to speak... just not sure what to say!


An Uncharacteristic Lady Bug

Climbing to Content

I have a girlfriend, M, who is a marvelously positive woman.  I jokingly call her a Pollyanna.  I swear if she found out that the world was coming to an end, she would say "won't it be nice that we will ALL be in heaven & finally the world would be happy for everyone"!  Whenever she can find a bright side to what I think is my crazy life, I always smile.  I don't usually believe her, but I so WANT to believe her.  I want to be able to see the best part of the world, of people, of situations.  I want to not be so cynical.  Some days, I want to be M...happy, content.

And surprisingly, as I sit here dealing with my D-Diet, I wouldn't say I am 'happy', but I'm not far from 'content'.  I am thinking about the cute tops I purchased earlier today and the cute dress.  My normal purchases are 'work clothes'.  I can't remember when I purchased a top because it was cute, because it looked good on me - and it wasn't meant for business.  

These purchases are cute 'date' clothes!  "So what's the big deal?", you're thinking... Well the big deal is that even though I'm on the D-Diet, I know that I will date again.  I know that I can look cute (chunky & all!).  That is a big, big, REALLY BIG step for me!

Two things -
#1 - Dating D has made me more accepting of my body - or my uncontrolled curves.  Having his attention has made me remember the saying that women used to say when I was a kid... "Beauty fades, sexy is forever".   And I am remember that I was once considered a very sexy woman - so perhaps, D has brought that woman back to life. 
#2 - I know that even though I'm not wild about the current situation, I know that something good is in my future.  It is amazing for me to even type these words.  To think that one day I will love and be loved again is freeing.  I don't have to continue to "learn to live alone & accept my life just as it is today - alone & lonely" - (which has been very hard for the last 21+ years!).   Today I know there is a future, that my life is not over, that I won't always be alone, or lonely. 

So while I miss D and am not enjoying the angst of feeling like an afterthought, I know that this too will pass.  That whatever is going to happen, will happen.  That somewhere there is someone who will love me & who I will love.  With that in mind, I am closer to content!  So while I'm not nearly a Pollyanna like M, going towards content about this part of my life is a bit step forward.  M would be proud!

A Close to Content Lady Bug

Still dieting...

And it really feels like a diet. 

I'm one week in.  

I'm 'hungry' and annoyed.  And just like when I am dieting from food, I'm not annoyed at the food, I'm annoyed at myself for letting me get so big that I have to diet in the first place.  So now, I'm annoyed that I have gotten emotionally attached to someone who isn't emotionally attached to me...  Crap!

Lady Bug

Diet from D

I've been on a D - diet...  I decided to go on the D - diet when I realized that I was more interested in D than he is in me.  So I haven't called or emailed him for about a week now.  He hasn't called or emailed either.  I'm kind of sad about it,  Oh well...he may call, but if he doesn't, my world won't come to an end.  That's good!

A Turning Point

Last week's incident of not hearing from D and getting mad, etc. has made me think more about my feelings for D.  All along, due to the HUGE differences between us (you could drive a mack truck through the chasm between us), I've kept in my mind that he is a Mr. Right Now, not a Mr. Right.  But as I reflect on last week, I can't help but wonder if I am keeping my feelings "in check" as appropriate.  I was pretty mad - OK, I was furious.  And while I do hate rudeness, I don't normally react with that much passion when someone is rude.  Usually I just say "idiot" in my mind & get on with life.  

The problem is, I didn't just say "idiot" and move on.  I wrote 2 entries about this, was annoyed when I went to bed, then annoyed when I got up.  Hmmm....

So to make things worse, today I asked him if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  He said that he didn't know what he was doing for Thanksgiving, that he might spend it with his parents, or that he might spend it with his son and his son's mom.  So the parents, I understood, even the son, I understood, but I don't understand the son and son's mom thing.  I was surprised at his answer.  I felt like he was telling me that he would spend it with me if he didn't have anything else better to do - and my feelings were - are - hurt.

So now I'm thinking that if I really did believe he was only a Mr. Right Now that my feelings wouldn't be hurt.  This is not good!  That Mack Truck continues to drive through the chasm of differences between us.  This is not good!

History has taught me that pain comes from having feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for you.  And I don't want to repeat that lesson while I am again making history.

I wonder what portion of the play I am in now?  Is this the turning point between D and me, I think the orchestra is beginning to play a bit louder?   I wonder...

Lady Bug

More EHarmony

Since I joined EHarmony a while ago, I received a few emails from them with 'matches' - not many... maybe one every month or so.  And I have responded to the matches since, after all, I'm supposed to be compatible with picks that EHarmony sends.  Well, thus far, no takers. 

Anyway, over the last week I have received probably 5 matches per day!  How odd, I thought, until I realized that this was their 'free' week - so there are lots of people who have probably posted a profile just to take the service for a test run.  Knowing that EHarmony sends the email to the man and woman when a match is made, I think I will - for this week anyway - wait and see if any of these men reach out to me.  If they do, I'll respond, if not, I haven't lost anything.

Lady Bug

I Was Wrong

OK - So I was wrong about D.  He finally called and asked me to come to visit him while he is sitting in the hospital waiting for his dad to be diagnosed --- his dad stopped breathing & had to be rushed to the emergency room.  Even though it was quite a distance away, I went - because of course I felt like an idiot & an a~~! :-(  When I saw his number pop up on my phone, I was ready with my 'speech' about how rude he had  been. 

I asked what had happened to him the night before, in the most sarcastic tone I could muster & he answered by telling me what happened to his dad, and asked me to come and stay with him in the hospital for a little bit.  I went & felt horrible.  Not only because I was afraid for D and his dad, but because I had so little faith in him...

I think this little episode says more about me than him.  And I'm not sure I like the things it is saying...

I have even more to think about.

Lady Bug

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR Still!

OK - I'm still annoyed!  Granted it has only been a few hours, but I am still ANNOYED!!!!!  On a good note, I am going to take out my annoyance on the pavement - buy walking.  Given how annoyed I am, I might just walk for a few hours!

Oh well...

I received another match from eHarmony, one that doesn't seem to be wearing religion on his sleeve.  So I am going to send questions to him.  Now, he is located in Indiana, so this won't go anywhere - I've learned my lesson with long distance dating - but it will be nice to chat with someone.  At this point chatting is more fun than dating!

OK - sneakers on, sweatshirt on, comfy jeans on.  Out the door I go!

A Still Annoyed Lady Bug

Just Rude

OK - So D and I have been seeing more of one another.  Having fun, laughing a lot & talking more and more on the phone.  So imagine how angry I am since we were supposed to do something this evening and he did not show up!  What the hell!!!!????  He called at 6 & said he'd be here at about 8.  So 8 came and went & I wasn't too upset since I wasn't ready.  I figured he just was running late.  No biggie.  But now it's - well, let's just say it is well beyond 8 & I am seething!  This is just plain rude! 

I wish there was a way to get married & live happily ever after without dating! REALLY!  After all, I dated my ex-husband & 'happily ever after' didn't last.

Well... bed & a book.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  Not that I had something else planned - I just hate rudeness!

A Very Mad Lady Bug

Match, EHarmony, or Just Get Out

In the last few days I've received email from eHarmony & Match telling me that someone is trying to contact me.  So, I went onto both sites where I could see if someone was trying to contact me. 

And I looked at names, read the profiles, and wondered if I should start my search on these sites again... Perhaps... but then, maybe not.

Since D was here a few weeks ago, I've decided that I should really be pursuing my SS in a different manner - because I do miss sharing my life with someone...But perhaps I need to get away from this laptop and go out. 

Next step for me, is to volunteer for a charity I support and even if I don't meet anyone, I'll feel good about helping to make the world a better place.

Wish me luck! :-)

God, D & Mr. EHarmony of the Moment

In my first post, I said that I had joined eHarmony & hadn't receive many matches.  I must admit, that is a bit depressing, considering how much eHarmony costs and their commercials about matching people of core dimensions, etc.  I was beginning to think that my knack for always being different was going to get in the way of finding my SS (that is, if D isn't already my SS that I just can't seem to see!)

Anyway, I finally received a communication from eHarmony from a man that I do seem to share some things in common.  He doesn't seem to be a nut (I've met those - but that was in a previous play, before I started blogging).  Thus far, we are in the questioning and exchanging 'must haves/can't stands" phase... Yes, eHarmony is nothing if not full of questions - which might not be bad, I'm just not sure all those questions do any good either!

Anyway, I am exchanging information and something is bothering me...

Now just to give you a glimpse of the former play in which I had the starring role, when I first started this on line dating process, I filled my profile with words from my heart that reflected my very involved role in my parish; my love of God and my thankfulness for Him in my life.  And the men who responded to that profile were, well let's say, they were on "God overload".  And while I wanted to attract a man who was full of faith and spirituality, I didn't want to attract one who thought he had found the one and only path to God.  But that's what I got!  When these men spoke of their faith, they couched it in terms of "I'm so glad I'm not like _____, you know all those people who are going to hell."  Once some of them discovered I was Catholic, they assumed I was on the 'wrong' path and saw it as their mission to show me the 'light'.  Since I've wasn't looking for anyone to convert me to their way of thinking, I politely declined & if the issue came up again, I explained that while they were unhappy with me being Catholic, that I was "just fine with it, thank you very much" and then stopped taking their calls.  The bottom line was I didn't want them to change from something they found very fulfilling and I didn't want them attempting to change me.  After all, I consider myself a "practicing Catholic" because although I fall woefully short of anything associated with the meaning behind the concept of Catholic, I am determined to practice until I get it right (I'm assuming getting it right coinsides with death!).  Plus one of my mottos is "Don't waste energy trying to change people.  They rarely change on the inside, so be grateful for who they are, warts and all.  Perhpas, they will overlook some of my warts and we'll both be a little more interesting for having survived our own, and explored others' warts!".

So back to the present performance...the man who I am seeing has God in his life, but does not want to participate in organized religion - translation "I won't ever stop you from going to church, but I just don't want to go".  And while I don't want to even attempt to change him, I must admit that this is one of the things that makes him a Mr. Right Now, rather than a Mr. Right.   That said, I do like him - a lot. 

Now, on to Mr. EHarmony of the Moment... he has God all through his profile.  He loves God, God is first in his life, he is serving God, he spends most of his spare time in 'church activities', etc.  These seem to be warning signs for me.  Am I nuts or what?  Since when is it a warning sign that a man loves God?  In addition to that warning sign (if it is a warning sign), there is the issue of D, the man I'm seeing and have grown to care for... If I do anything more than exchange an email with Mr. EHarmony of the Moment, I can't continue to see D - at least I can't continue to see him the way I am seeing him now... Hmmmm.......????????

On one hand, I really enjoy spending time with D, he makes me laugh -sometimes until I cry, we have some interests that are similar and I like to debate the issues of the day with him - yet I don't view D as my "Mr. Right" - so logic would dictate that I should be 'dating' him, rather than being in a relationship with him. 

On the other hand, I'm so done with men who have the "Keys to the Kingdom" (BTW - the 2nd Vatican Council admitted that even the Pope doesn't have the Keys to the Kingdom, so I'm unwilling to believe anyone else on earth could have the Keys either!)  And Mr. EHarmony of the Moment certainly appears to portray that he has the Keys - so do I really want to give up D for him?  I don't think so...  I like the fact that neither D nor I have the Keys & we neither of us want the responsibility of being Heaven's Locksmith.

But of course, that leaves me with another dilemma... Should I be in a relationship with D at all since I don't think he is Mr. Right?  OMG - I have a headache!  And since I am not going out tonight with anyone, I think I will simply go for a walk & work on my curves.  Perhaps God will give me a hint.

By the way - for those of you reading this, feel free to give me a hint or your thoughts through the comments section.  Otherwise, really, it looks like I am just talking to myself.

Lady Bug

Looking ... Around Me, At Me, Inside Me...

Someone once said that in order to be a "we" you have to first be a "me".  So I'm looking at "me"... and yes, while I know I should probably be on a date tonight, rather than concerning myself with who "me" is, I have to leave for the office at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, so I'm not leaving my house now.

Anyway, I'm taking a look at myself.  Not only what I see in the mirror, but what I see around me, what I see inside of me.

When I look around me, I'm pleased with what I see around me --- essentials, not too much unnecessary stuff. 

When I look in the mirror, I see the face of my mom, the body of my dad & wonder about God's sense of humor.  I love my parents, but most definitely I'd prefer my mother's body over my dad's.  People were always amazed that my mom had 6 children and still 'looked like that at almost 60!'  My dad... well let's just say I used to describe my dad as "the Black Santa" & while my curves aren't yet that out of control, if I don't focus on them daily, I'd look like Mrs. Clause - albeit with a sexy smile!

When I look inside me, I see the 10 year old sitting on the couch hearing my brother, SM, say "Momma died this morning".  The wave a loss, pain and fear still overtake me at times.  And while I hide that 10 year old pretty well, she is still there, right below the surface.  When a child looses the predominant parent at such an early stage in life, it shapes that child's future in ways not imaginable to most - not imaginable to the child, until the child grows up & explores her life's decisions. All that said, I'm happy I still have my 10 year old self inside of me, within easy reach.  It is the 10 year old girl in me who learned 

...how to love deeply, "Just because others don't love you, doesn't mean you shouldn't love    them.  God tells us to 'love one another'.  He doesn't say you have to like everyone, but you have to love everyone."

     ...how to to care for others and be charitable, "Yes, he took that food without paying, but did you hear him tell the manger that he was just trying to feed his family?  We have to help him feed his family", she said, as she took out a few dollars to pay for the few staples the stranger was trying to steal from the A&P.

...how to not borrow trouble, "You don't know what God has in store for tomorrow, so don't worry about tomorrow".  I must admit this one is a constant struggle.

...to love family, no matter what, "Lord have mercy, bless that fool!  What can you do but just love him" when my brother did something else that shouted to the world that common sense wasn't his strong point.

...that I wasn't stupid, "Just because you read slower than the others doesn't make you stupid.  You remember a lot more than other kids.  You're a smart girl"

So all in all, I see a good person, a woman who knows her past, who knows what is important and who is looking forward to her future.  Hmmm.... I think that 'me' isn't bad, actually, 'me' is pretty good.

So 'me' is going to get more rest, work on controlling my curves and finding balance in my life so that my work week is less than 55 hours.  First because these things are good for me, but then (or maybe really) because doing these little things may help towards my goal of 'me' becomming a 'we'.

Improving My Chances

I'm a 48 year old woman, divorced, Black, successful.  Statistically the chances of me finding someone to share my life with are quite slim.  Actually, they are close to miniscule! 

So, what do I do to better my chances?  After all, I've decided this is what I want (someone to share my life with); and I am even blogging about it--- so I can't turn back now!

Bettering my chances probably starts with feeling good about myself - my outside self - I kind of like my inside self.   First, I am going to take the advice of lots of people...I'm going to begin exercising.  Supposedly it is good for the body and the mind.  Well I shall soon see...

I'm in love...

I'm in love...not with anyone; but with a condition.  The condition is called marriage - or perhaps the condition is called living with someone.  It is quite simply sharing ones life with someone special.  In the very beginning, the feelings of happiness are the same, regardless of it's name. 

The beginning is the time you and your significant other (who is still, in your mind, your better half), start to spend weekends or a few vacation days together.  Such a situation happened to me recently.

D, the guy I have been seeing for quite some time, had a few days off and we spent those days together.  I did have to work the first day... but when I was finished with my day, he had dinner ready - and to my surprise, his cooking skills have improved significantly over the past 18 months!

The following days were spent walking together in the quiet of the park, going to the movies, out to dinner, playing games and talking & laughing endlessly into the night.  It was a wonderfully good time.

In a few days, it was time for him to leave.  We said our good byes, planned our next weekend together and I watched him drive away.  Back to my vuw.

Later that evening, I thought about the time we shared over those last fun days.  I already missed it - the fun of sharing my life with someone.  Rather than happily looking at my bed and thinking " Ah...I don't have to share it tonight"; I looked at my bed and thought sadly "Hmmm...I don't have to share it tonight".

So being me, the over analyzing woman that I am, I spent many hours analyzing my feelings for D... the man I usually say is lots of fun, but not Mr. Right.  I wondered if that was changing. 

Was I in love? 

Yes, I was in love, but this feeling was not new.  I wasn't in love with D.  I was - and am - in love with sharing my life with someone.  I'm in love with going to bed with and waking up besides someone every morning.  I'm in love with cooking for someone who likes to eat and apreciates food enough not to wolf it down (remember the 3 sons from my first post?).  I'm in love with someone watching me put on makeup & saying 'you don't need that'.  I'm in love with holding hands.  I'm in love with someone who pays attention to me.

Yes, I'm in love.  In love with sharing my life with someone.  I know that someone is out there, somewhere.  Hopefully he is close.  And if he is D, hopefully my eyes will be open soon.

And the House Lights Go Down, the Music Begins...

I recently went to see the movie "Julie &Julia", or "Julia & Julie" (doesn't matter) about a woman who started a blog, yada, yada yada... happiness! I came away from the movie thinking "wouldn't it be great to be able to follow my dreams?" And I even thought about some of the things I used to think I'd do in life. But soon, those thoughts faded and I came back to my "very usual world" (vuw).

And my vuw isn't all that bad actually. I have a job I like - most days. I have 3 sons and a daughter in law of whom I'm immensely proud. I have a nice home, some 'stuff', not a lot of stuff, but I have some... And although I'd love a $20,000 a year raise (who wouldn't), I make enough money to live OK.

Well, anyway, some time went by and I heard about another person who blogs to tell her story. She's living in a trailer and blogging about homelessness. Now while her story may not have the happiest of endings, (I don't know what the yada, yada, yada is for her), it is kind of intriguing to me that her blog is being picked up by the national media.

So after these experiences (or maybe hints from Him), I thought to myself "hmm... everyone always tells me how interesting my life is & tells me I should write a book, so maybe I'll start blogging". Now, I'll admit that my younger self is quite interesting - but that was Act 1. This blog will be about Act 2, about 'today'.

For Act 2, a few stats on me:

1. I'm 48 - although I swear to everyone who asks that I'm holding at 40 - even my 29 year old son!
2. I'm a Gemini -I can see both sides of any argument.
3. I'm [sadly] a Plus Size woman - My curves have taken over! I'm working hard to get my curves under control (14 pounds lost & counting).
4. I have 'chin length' hair that I now love - why exactly did my hair wait this long to start cooperating!?
5. I'm an African American professional woman - I work for a Fortune 50 company & think I am making a good contribution to society, as well as their bottom line.
6. I am a New Yorker through & through - but I live in the Mid West.
7. I have 2 dogs - one who will live forever because she is so healthy and one who is doing his best to make me regret the fact that I never bought that 'silly' vet insurance!
8. I am divorced - have been for almost 20 years.
9. I raised my children alone for the past 20 years - all my energies went into providing them with a home, education & an (overly?) attentive parent, since I was doing this solo.
10. Until recently, I've lived without any adult companionship in my life.
11. I joined Match.com about 2 years ago - and haven't found the perfect match yet.
12. I joined eHarmony & since they haven't matched me with many people, I kind of wonder if I'm just too 'different'.
13. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.
14. I do not want to be a burden to my children - ever!
15. I am an orphan - mom died when I was 10, dad when I was over 30. My parents are gone, so that makes me an orphan, right?
16. I am alone.
17. I am lonely.
18. I am determined to find my Special Someone (SS) to make memories with...

So, with that introduction, I will close now. I'll write at least once a week, if not more often, about who I am meeting, what we are doing & how close I am to finding my SS.
Quite simply, I'll write about all the scenes that will take place as I perform in Act 2 of my life. I hope you will stay until the final curtain call.
Lady Bug