One of my babies moved out of the state.  He now lives near S and his family.  I talked to him today & he is having a good time.  So why is it that my heart is broke & all I want to do is cry?

I so wanted to give my children a good life.  I wanted them to grow up & for us to be close.  I wanted us to always be a family - to be what I didn't have after my mom died.  And my child who moved - well he wanted that too.  He wanted it so much that he made it happen - he moved next to his dad.  Next to my ex.  Next to S and his family.  He sounds happy.  He has cousins, his grandmother, siblings and his dad.  He has the big family that I moved them away from so many years ago.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  I thought it was going to be okay.  By the time I could see through my grief & unhappiness to his, I didn't think I could 'go back'.  For one thing, I couldn't afford it... Moving from the midwest to the east coast brings a huge difference in price that I just couldn't afford alone.

The logical part of me knows that he is happy & that is what is important.

The selfish part of me wants him to come back here & live close to me.

The emotional part of me wants to cry until I can't cry anymore--- and right now, it's the emotional part that is winning!

I so miss my baby!

So It Turns Out I Wasn't "Done"

We talked, and talked & talked some more.  He apologized.  I forgave.

Not sure where this is going.  Not sure of much at all - except I'm not "done".

In 2011 I will be 50 years old.  I have been a mom for 30 of those years.  And as hard as it has been I have liked being a mom.  My children are so important to me.  For someone to not like them bothers me.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a wife and mother.  Now at 50, that is still what I want, but that means I have to find a man who wants to be a husband and a father.  Someone who sees this time of life as full of opportunities rather than trying to remain in years past. 

I wonder if there is anyone out there like that...

Done

Today is November 29th.  At about 1:30 a.m. today I spoke with D and when I hung up, I decided that I'm done.  I sent an email with everything I have been unable to say - not because I didn't try, but because every "talk" we attempted to have turned into a shouting match.  Not much communication happened between us over the last few months. 

My protests of my feelings being hurt were met with "you know how I am" - as if that is an excuse for cruel words or text messages.  Finally, I think I had heard this once too many times.  The last few weeks have made me think - "well, what about how I am?"  Yup, me - the woman who supported you through your difficult time, the one who believed in you when not even your family believed in you.  Yup, me. 

The woman who isn't angry with the world & is sick to death of you playing the "angry black man" character.  The woman who took a leap of faith to be with you over the past year.  This woman is done.

I'm hurt, I'm angry.  I'm sad, but I'm still alive - so I survived and I'm done.

So when my wounds heal, I'll find someone else - who can appreciate me for who I am rather than the caricuture he wants.

Love & Prejudice

A few days ago, I realized that I love D.  I should be joyous.  But what does that mean? I don't know.  I know that I am not "in love" - you know, the feeling you get when you know that you are bound to someone.  I don't have that feeling yet.  And  I know why...

D has many great qualities, but he is blatantly intolerant of those unlike him.  I know many people like him.  Some are in my family and I love them, yet it bothers me.  I understand that we all are intolerant of someone, of some thing.  I understand that I am not perfect. 

So, my request of him is that he not use derogatory language in my presence.  I don't find it funny, I find it unacceptable.  And because I have asked him to stop & he hasn't I feel as if my needs do not make a difference to him.  That isn't acceptable to me.  Love or no love...

When I was a child people treated me badly because I was Black, because I was fat, because I had (and still have) crooked teeth, because my family was far from perfect (I didn't know that no one's family was perfect), because I was smart (yes - & now I am happy and proud to say that!), because I didn't have "pretty" hair or "nice" skin, whatever in God's name "pretty" and "nice" means.  Perhaps the worst thing that I experienced was predjudice.  And for as long as I remember I remember thinking, and believeing that I would never be one of those people who was persecuted and becomes the persecutor. 

D's prejudice is 'socially acceptable' amongst most people - but not by me.  The theory that "God didn't make them that way" holds no water with me.  While I believe in God, I have learned with time that there is so much on this earth that I don't understand so I don't presume to know what God's intent was... but I digress...

The reality is that prejudice is hurtful.  In a word, it is mean.

A few days have gone by since I started this post.  I have had the opportunity to speak with a friend who is married to a man who shares this same prejudice, and she like me thinks that all prejudice is wrong.  What she told me after an afternoon of quiche & wine was that as powerful as the words of hate are, the words of love are 10,000 times more powerful.

I am still uneasy.  Still confused.  Still don't like any kind of acceptable prejudice.  Not sure what the next turn should be.

But D is out of town for work for a few days so I have some time to think... and to pray.  And Think & Pray I will do.

Mr. Right Now is becoming Mr. Right???????????????

My world has changed over the past 2 years.  Two years ago I was single and alone, today I am still single, but not alone. 

I wanted to find someone to share my life with.  I had a plan.  First, I was going to date, then eventually, I was going to meet Mr. Right, with the right job, with the right age children (grown,over 22 & out of college children), no longer in love with his ex, who owns his own car & home, who has 'reasonable debt' (whatever that means), who has similar education as me, (or more) and who lives close to me (at least in reasonable driving distance).

So, hmmm, two years have gone by & I dated and I did meet someone, D - Mr. Right Now.  When I met him I thought he was a lot of fun - but never thought he was Mr. Right because:
1- he makes considerable less money than me.
2 - his child was 12
3 - the way he spoke about his ex led me to believe he was not over her yet.
4 - he did/does own his own car.
5 - he didn't / doesn't own his own home.
6 - he does not have reasonable debt.
7 - he does not have similar education as me
8 - lived 2.5 hours away

Now - it is 2 years later & I think I'm in love.  My Mr. Right Now has become my Mr. Right.  He still doesn't meet all my criteria for Mr. Right.  I am surprised at myself every day for going down this path.  Part of me - the part who loves exploring the differences in life, in people, in circumstances - thinks this is alright.  I'm not concerned about money, status, homes or cars.  I am enjoying having someone in my life that cares for me, that can make me laugh & who will care for me when I am ill.  The part of me that is cautious about everyone I meet, is concerned about his debt (not terribly unreasonable, but it's debt that I worry about him having the ability to repay), his child, and his job (he has taken a severe pay cut as a result of the economy).  This part of me is scared, really scared of being involved with someone who has so much to gain by misleading me. 

I don't have a gut feeling that he is bad or that this situation is bad, so for now I move forward, cautiously, very cautiously.

Hmmmm....

The Day Is Not Far Off...

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?  The scene where they sing Do You Love Me?  Well, I've been thinking about that song.  And I've wondered, who am I in the scene --- Tevia asking if she loves him or Golde telling him that for 25 years she has taken care of him, bore his children, & after consideration she replies that she supposes she loves him.  They end the song saying "after 25 years, it doesn't matter, but it's nice to know. 

This song makes me think of all the things that D does for me around the house, all the things he does easily but that I hate to do.  I think of the things I do for him - without being asked.   

So over the last few days as I've been trying to figure out if I love D, this song gives me pause.  Perhaps the things we do for one another show love from both of us, for both of us.

One of my resolutions this year was that I was going to 'fall in love'... I think I am almost there.  I think that the person I am suppose to fall in love with is standing in front of me, watching TV with surround sound on my deck (sorry neighbors), is fussing about neatness, is vacuuming the house daily, is trying to find a better job so he can contribute more, really wants to be a pilot but settles for piloting a remote control plane.  He wants me emotionally, physically.  He hugs me a night, while I am sleeping - drawing me to him reminding me that he is right there for me.  This is the man that I am falling in love with... And while I am not there today, I think the day is not far off.

I looked at my face today and saw creases, the beginnings of wrinkles.  Signs of age.  Two years ago they were signs of a hard, sad life.  Signs of faked smiles for the sake of my boys. 

Over the past 6 months, the creases are probably deepening - but I'm okay with that.  Because these creases are the result of smiles.

Hopefully I will continue to deepen my creases with happiness.

So the last time I wrote, I said we were going to talk.  Well, we've talked & talked & talked & talked & talked some more!  Lots was said by both of us, but we didn't listen to one another. 

Finally we talked to one another instead of at one another. 

Finally we listened to one another. 

Me saying "your negativity is causing me stress because I am a person who gets great joy out of seeing others happy & by the way, I've been supporting you - emotionally & somewhat financially and you are just ungrateful"  Him telling me that I don't understand how hard things are for him and then talking about his past & telling me that he appreciates all that I've done.  Him telling me that he is sorry - that he doesn't mean to cause me pain. 

And lots of other conversations which were really conversations & not shouting matches, nor were they contests to determine how many one word answers he could give me before I had to grit my teeth to talk - (so I wasn't screaming while my son was in the house).  They were conversations - an exchange of ideas and feelings. 

Eventually we found something to laugh about, we remembered why we were attracted to one another two years ago.

I remembered the guy who could make me laugh, who was easy going and who genuinely cared for friends and family. Traits I value.

And so we move forward. 

We move towards a more permanent relationship - although I don't know what that is.  Is it marriage?  I don't know...  How odd it is that today I can question whether or not I will ever marry again, whether or not I want to marry again, whether or not I see the benefit to marry again (other than the whole going to hell thing - LOL).  As my friend M reminds me, 3 years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be married.  I longed to have my past life when I was happily married. 

These past 2 years have taught me that I have not necessarily longed for marriage, but I have longed to have connection.  Connection to one special man.  Someone who I can trust to be at my side, to care for me if I am ill.  Someone to make memories with...

I used to think that I had to have a man who made as much or more money than me because men just can't handle women who make more.  And while these past years haven't proven me 100% right, they have proved me somewhat right and somewhat wrong.  Most days I think D would rather he make more money than me; however, much of that feeling stems from the free fall of income he has experienced in the last year.  I do understand.

It is strange how this has all turned out.  I was once told that I needed to give this relationship time so that I could get to the gift God has for me.  And a few days ago when we starting speaking with one another & listening to one another I received that gift - (or at least the beginning of that gift).  Just before we fell asleep D said "I love you".  I smiled.  He said "I've loved you for a long time, but was afraid to tell you before".  I don't recall what I replied.  I do remember that with his tenderness while we were talking & his final words that I experienced a sense of calm, a sense that it was really going to be alright - that I wasn't being taken advantage of, that I was appreciated, that I was loved. 

It has been a long time since I had the feeling of being loved, and it feels good.  Normally my mind would be racing & wondering what tomorrow brings; what next week or month will bring; what next year will bring... But I am trying to learn to take a day at a time - to appreciate the goodness in front of me.  So with that, I can say that I am still enjoying the feeling of being loved & am trying desperately not to worry about the many tomorrows ahead of me. 

Life Changing Event

Wow, it's been a very long time since I wrote... I'm way beyond my weekly writing that I thought I would be doing last year.  Lots has happened since July...

D& I have had good days & bad days.  I have questioned why we are still in a relationship & been thankful that we are still in arelationship.

A little over a week ago I wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital.  I had a TIA (mini-stroke).  I stayed in the hospital for 5 days.  I'm fine.  And I'm reflective - more so than I was before I think.

To get sick gave me time to just think.  And I've thought about a lot of things--- most of all, I thought about D & me & wondered where we are going...

D's life has been very difficult in the last 6 months and he has been unhappy & it was manifesting itsself in negative overdrive.  Up until last week, I was handling his negativity, but since last week, I am increasingly resentful of his "my life is so bad, poor me" pity party.  I feel like he is totally focused on his life, therefore, there is no room for me in his life.  And I'm not feeling good about this...

Tonight we talk...

Still Here

I'm still here, and so is D.  I went back to work last week, after a week off... and that was a challenge.  But the week off was very pleasant.

We went to one of my friend's house for a July 4th barbecue.  We had a good time.  I gave D a ride in a WWII plane for his birthday.  He was on cloud nine, as was I.   And before that, we had a birthday party for him - he invited his friends (3 couples, but 2 couples showed up).  It was a lot of work, but we had a great time.  He was very joyful - the most I have seen in a long time.   I realized after that party how much he misses his own space, how much he misses his home and how much he misses his friends. 

Poverty does strange things to folks.  When I was living in poverty, my patience with my sons was almost non-existent, I yelled over milk left on the counter (because it might spoil and I didn't have money to replace it).  Poverty makes D sad, it makes him mad, it makes him focus on what he wants right now.  It makes him think the world is against him. 

And I try so hard to be supportive... I watch him work hard every day & he is not able to get ahead.  I remember how difficult that was.  Some days my heart aches for him... but other days when he is mad at the world and less than pleasant to be with, I get frustrated & I want to scream "Get over it & be thankful you have a job, a roof over your head and a place to call home (even if only temporarily)".  But I don't... I know when folks said these types of things to me when I was living in poverty just made me feel worse.  Plus I know that eventually things will work out.  But, sometimes it is hard.

Why don't I break up with him... because I think I have grown comfortable with him being here. 

I have become comfortable with waking up besides him.  For 20+ years, I woke up alone.  I slept on "my side" of the bed, even though there was no one on the other side.  Sometimes I would dream about S & my married life & then wake up with such sadness because I missed sharing my life with someone.  Now, I wake up with someone & I like it.

I have become comfortable with cooking dinner and eating with him every evening.  I love to cook but cooking for one is no fun.  To sit with someone who enjoys my creations makes me feel good.

I have become comfortable with having him accompany me to parish picnics, BBQs, and to the park.  There is something about being a couple, versus being single when I go to these events.  People always included me, but I always felt like the 'odd man out'.  With D at my side, I feel a sense of comfort that I hadn't felt before. 

I have become comfortable with walking through Lowe's & Home Depot with him.  I love that he put up the gazebo, fixes things in the house and vacuums the floors almost daily. LOL.  I love that I don't have to do everything by myself.

When I was married, S and I entertained and I loved doing that, so I loved having his friends here.  Using all my platters, planning a menu, decorating the house & showing it off (yes, I admit I liked showing off my home) was fun.  I'm looking forward to having both sets of friends here next month (if I can afford it). 
The night of the party when everyone was gone, and the kitchen was clean we laid in bed exhausted... too tired for a good night kiss.  He said "Thank you for making my friends feel at home" and that was a gift to me.  He appreciated me.  I said "You're welcome" and nothing more.  But it was at that time that all the money issues, his complaining & pity parties left my mind.  It was at this time that I thought "We are a couple".

I do love being a couple.  I think it is why we are still here, even though I am fearful that I am a couple & he isn't...  Who knows, I might be scared over nothing, like the Bard's play - "Much Ado About Nothing"... Who Knows.  What I do know is we are still here.

It's been a while since I have written.  Lots has happened, but I've not ever found the words to relay my thoughts or my feelings.

D & I are still together.  Some days are really nice and other days, not so much.  After reflection I think much of my angst comes from how he deals with his employment situation - specifically how he deals with his lack of money.  I know that it won't always be the case, but it is the case now & I'm not sure how long I can hang in there.  So that's issue # 1.

Issue #2 is I think I am in a relationship with him, yet I don't think he feels the same way.  I think he would have no problem being with someone else and that bothers me to no end.  On his FB page he lists himself as single.  It bothers me - A LOT.  And no I haven't spoken with him about it yet - today is his birthday & I don't want to argue on his birthday. 

I am really good about most things, but this issue is one that really upsets me.  I think because of what happened between my ex-husband and me that I have a hard time with trust.  I know that I can not control anyone else but myself, I know that I can't make someone love me.  I know these things... I know that someone has to choose to love someone else.  I know this better than anyone...  And I think because I know these things that I am hyper - sensitive to any signs that I am not cared for.  I know these things, but I don't know what to do about it.  Should I just break up with D?  I don't know the answer to that question...

A Boring Week

The past week has been pretty good.  We didn't do anything extra special, there was nothing very eventful that occurred.  And my happiness meter moved closer to 10 (on a scale from 1 to 10).

It was a boring week:

* We went to see "Iron Man 2" - in a neighborhood theatre. 

* We both worked long days.  He was physically tired when he got home & I was emotionally tired when I turned my laptop off.  He was tired from climbing ladders, hauling equipment, fixing what others were supposed to do, but conveniently 'forgot' to finish before they left for the day.  I was tired from dealing with the news of yet another job change being hoisted upon me.  A change I didn't agree with, but to stay employed, I must figure out how to make the best of the situation. 
* I cooked dinner - most days... :-)   
* He went grocery shopping with me - and I think once was enough ... LOL
* I went shopping for stuff only girls would be excited about & I didn't ask him to go with me.
* He went flying...

 

*I worked on my garden...

* We complained about the rain - "It seems more like April than May with all this rain!" "Yup, I'm tired of the rain."

* We watched "America, the Story of Us".  It started out as him sitting up and me laying my head on his lap - so romantic.   It ended up with both of us falling asleep - so comforting.

It was a boring week... a GOOD BORING WEEK.  I could live for a long time with more boring weeks like this.  I think I could live a long time with D.  That thought is good & is scary... 

Just a few weeks ago, we both said that we didn't love one another.  I was okay with that --- at that time  ---  because at that time I didn't see much future.  At that time, something was always happening which made me focus on D as a Mr. Right Now, not as a Mr. Right.  But this week, these past weeks, have brought him from the first category to the latter.  Hence the fear... am I falling in love with someone who is not falling in love with me?  A scary thought... very scary!

But for now, I'm going to enjoy my "boring" days with D.

For Now - "Boring Lady Bug"

Wait & See

It's been a while since I've written.  I've been in a state of 'wait and see' regarding this relationship... There are so many odd things going on in our lives (both D's & mine).  I can't tell f our annoyance with one another at times is because we don't like one another anymore or if the stress of life is beating on us.  So rather than just saying "I'm done with this craziness", rather than yelling, crying and arguing, I remembered many stories of happy relationships that I have read and heard from friends who have been married 40 or 50 years or more.  The common thread is that there will be good times and bad times and the difference between people who made their relationships work understood how to get through - ignore to some extent - the bad times.  Because the adage of 'this too will pass' has been adopted by the successful couples.  So I decide that I don't know where this relationship is going, hence I will 'wait & see'.

Well, it's been a while and things in both our lives are getting better.  His job is permanent & much better.  My job is much less stressful - finally, I got more help!  And now when he "comes home" we are talking, and more importantly we are LAUGHING!

Today, he came home with these beautifully wrapped flowers!   They were wrapped in thick pink paper & tied with a ribbon!  Yellow & orange tulips.   It felt wonderful.  Yes, wonderful.  Wonderful.

I feel like a girlfriend again - a very good feeling!  Wonderful.  I feel special.  A Wonderful Feeling!

Good things come to those who wait??????? Who knew that saying was true????  :-)


Lady Bug

Jazzercise Continues

And Jazzercise continues...

Tonight was session #10 and I can almost get through the entire session! 

I have NO PAIN!  I'm kinda proud of myself!

I am going to keep this up - because I know my 40 year old body is struggling to get out!

Amazing what a conversation with a Polly Anna can do for you...

So here I am... D and I talked again & this time the outcome was different.  The difference was my demeanor.  Instead of confrontational ("I've had about enough of this sh~~"), I stated my case calmly & listened to him.  What I heard was a man in pain.  What I told him was that I could not continue to live in "Negative City" - that it was draining for me...

And we talked about 'us' and 'this relationship' - about where it is going & we agreed that we don't know.  We threw ourselves together and while the result hasn't been perfect, it could be worse (by now, we could be enemies!)

So what was the change?  The change was a conversation with my friend M.  That woman is the voice of reason - albeit a Polly Anna voice - but the voice of reason, just the same.  She is kind & her heart is good & more importantly, she is realistic!  She brought me down from wanting 'heaven' in a relationship to 'living on this good earth'.  She reminded me of how I was a few years ago - yearning for someone to share my life with & while she's all for moving forward with or without D, her words force me to be more objective - to look at this situation with my mind and my heart.  And so, things are a bit easier...

Who would have known that I would have to come to OH and live here for 15 years or so all so I could meet one Polly Anna that I can truly call a friend!  God has such a funny sense of humor!

Lady Bug

Finding Love

I've been thinking about my new year's resolution to fall in love.  Where I am today, is not "in love"; nor do I seem to be working towards love.  In February I thought I was going towards love, but today, in April, I don't think so.  I'm not sure if I should allow this relationship to play itself out, or if I should stop it now.  Not sure...I'm questioning myself, my motives for allowing him to stay or for telling him to go.  Perhaps I still care greatly for him but don't think that he is returning my feelings. 

I still want to find love...

I'm a "City Girl". 

 I love man made parks,

Public Transportation!

Tall Buildings!

And the kalidescope of people who inhabit these places.

Steps...

A while ago, M gave me a gift of 12 Jazzercise lessons.  I had every intention of going, but it took a while for me to get there.  Finally, I showed up.  (I'm told that 90% of success is showing up!).

Well, so far, I've attended 6 of the 12 sessions.  The first 5 were relatively close together, then I went to Chicago & missed a week.  It's not been easy... The first day I had a really hard time keeping up and could not get through the session without constantly stopping - pretty much after every song.  But by session 5, I was able to get through most of the session with only a few stops.  Then I went to Chicago & was able to walk the city without being winded - I felt a bit of triumph!  I could feel the 'good pain' in my calves, but chalked that up to, like I said, 'good pain'. 

Enter today - session 6.  I got out of my bed & went & started out with just a little bit of pain, but as the session went on, I couldn't do the jumps because of the pain in my calf - odd, it was only one calf.   And I had a hard time keeping up because of the pain and because there was a new instructor & she had a different routine that I was accustomed to (which I really hate!).  So I didn't get a very good workout, but I will walk tonight AND I will go tomorrow (but will take some Advil first!). 

I must admit that I sleep better when I exercise and I feel better overall.  I look at my fat butt and thighs, my pouchy stomach, where I once had a waist and I think "yuck".  I look at my closet full of size 14 dresses and skirts that I absolutely love and think "I have got to get back into those clothes".  I look at the size 18 dress, XXL tops, and size 18 jeans that I can't get my butt into and think "OK, this is nuts!, I'm going to die of obesity! - which is a really stupid thing to die from!)  But after I go to Jazzercise I look at those size 14s and think - soon & very soon, I will get back into those dresses.  Now, 'soon' is relative, but I know I am on my way.  Life changes one step at a time & Jazzercise is a step in my changing life.

Speaking of changing life... Don and I are still together, but I feel it's coming to an end.  It's been fun, but I think it has run it's course.  The situation with the job (although he is working) & his debt that he is trying to dig out from underneath is taking a constant toll on him.  For a few months I have tried to be supportive and a cheerleader because I know he will land on his feet... but for the last month or so, he is in a constant state of negativity.  He's unable to see any good, ever!  He's focused on him - solely on him.  He's annoyed at simple things.  His tone is argumentative.  He sees everyone as 'stupid', 'ignorant', etc.  He watches shows on TV simply for the purpose of watching "those stupid, brain dead people do ..." (e.g. 1,000 Ways To Die). 

I look at him and think that he is in pain and this is how he shows his pain - but I don't like it.  I'm tired of hearing him complain. 

Then a few weeks ago we talked about where this relationship was going and I told him about some of the things that concerned me - him being here a lot; the fact that when he talks about getting himself together - that he doesn't talk about any plans that include me (which REALLY bothers me).  I told him that while I believe I treat him well & ensure he knows that he is important to me, that for me to be happy in a relationship I need to feel important to the person. 

He responded with annoyance. 

And I must admit that 2 weeks later - I'm still mad about his reaction!  After all, I have allowed him to stay here (which I have never done before for anyone!), I have refused to take any money - telling him that he should spend it on getting his truck fixed and getting his bills caught up.  I have listened to him complain ad nauseum about this, that and the other!  And I'm tired.  Perhaps he will come out of this funk and be the fun loving man he used to be, but I'm tired of waiting.  Does that sound terrible? 

For now, I'm content to let things run their course and see where it goes.  In the interim, I will go to Jazzercise and sing in the choir (which I had stopped doing).  And I'll work & work, and I'll be happy with the fact that when I was in Chicago, I put on some of my 'tight jeans' and they weren't tight in the thighs!  Woo Hoo Jazzercise! 

I know that my 40 year old body is in here somewhere & I'm determined to let her out!

Lady Bug

"Mom, It's Not Mine"

When I answered the phone yesterday while I was working, that is what I heard... It was my youngest telling me that his girlfriend told him that the child she is carrying is not his.  I am cautiously optimistic that she is telling the truth.  I am cautiously optimistic that my child is getting his life back.

Life is good - I hope!!